Congratulations to Holt’s First Hope Adoptee Scholarship Winner

We are pleased to recognize Haley Havens as our first Hope Adoptee Scholarship winner! Read her scholarship-winning poem below.

Every year, Holt awards scholarships to three adoptees graduating high school and planning to pursue further education. This year, we announced an additional $1,000 scholarship to be awarded to an adoptee who is pursuing their dream career in a traditionally underfunded field of study. The Hope Scholarship is generously sponsored by Holt adoptee Mareyuna, who followed her dreams to become a veterinarian, and Mareyuna’s family. Mareyuna and her family felt called to help other adoptees like her who are drawn to a profession that has limited scholarship opportunities available.

Congratulations to Haley Havens, who won Holt’s first Hope Adoptee Scholarship after submitting the following poem:

 Statement: The following poem was created to express the internal wounds that are oftentimes reopened when people question adoptees’ history. Adoption oftentimes leads to lots of questioning. This poem represents what I wished others knew happens in my mind when they ask me questions, while also showing the struggle of a conflicted identity. I hope to shed some light on the complex and vulnerable life of an adoptee. 

Where are you from?

A question I have heard many times. Where am I from? A question that has many ties. Truthfully, I was born elsewhere, in the country of Guatemala, full of despair. While I was only an infant, it is still a part of me. While I may not remember, I believe it is still my history. Yet, this question always causes me to freeze, because I am unsure what the right answer is for me. I have lived in America my entire life, or so it seems. Except for the four months when my life was unknowingly ripping at the seams. As a baby, I have no way of knowing how it felt. So many lives impacted by someone who can’t even remember the cards they were dealt. Well, I was born in Guatemala, I start to say. I lived there for a few months, before going my separate way. I was adopted by a loving family, who is all I’ve ever known. They saved me from poverty and loved me as their own.

Well what about your birth mother?

Another question I tend to hear. What about her? Any memory of her is more distant than near. I never really thought about her much till now. Then I went searching for answers I didn’t necessarily want to know about. Digging up my past disrupted my peace. I was losing my sense of tranquility. I have never met her, nor seen a picture. To me, she wasn’t anything more than my birth giver. There was a lady out there with my face and half my DNA. I started to spiral, wondering should I be feeling a certain way? I began to search and search, hoping to find answers. Digging up information I probably wasn’t ready for. Well, my mother gave me up for a better life, I would say. She saw me for a few weeks, before going her separate way. I was adopted by a loving family, who is all I’ve ever known. I became their daughter and they love me as their own.

Well what about your brother? Is he your real one?

Oh great, now my brother is in the picture. Is he my real one? What type of definition do they figure? While it is true, he is from Guatemala just like me. We don’t necessarily have a biological history. Sure, maybe we aren’t related by blood. But neither is any part of my family, So what’s the difference if he is loved? He’s just like me, been here since he was an infant. If he were to ask for help, I’d be there in an instant. Well, we are not biologically related, I say. But he is my brother, no matter the way. He was adopted by a loving family, who is all he’s ever known. He became my brother, and we love him as our own.

Okay, well have you gone back? Tried to reconnect?

A complicated question. Should I have visited by now? It’s a difficult topic for me to mention. It’s hard to process feelings without showing guilt. Why should I think about the past when my family is fulfilled. Wanting to learn about my past, feels like a burden. It feels like I’m hurting someone, no matter the choices. I understand that adoption is part of my story. And that reconnecting with my culture is important. Well, I haven’t visited yet, I begin to say. But I hope I can someday. It’s a little difficult venturing into the unknown. Especially when I have a family that loves me as my own. Questions have surrounded me all my life. Questions that sometimes feel like a cut with a knife. Questions that make me start to think. Questions that cause my wellbeing to sink. I enjoy sharing my story with the world. But when questions approach me, I begin to fold. Harmless thoughts that people think to ask I don’t necessarily mind them; It’s more so the aftermath that makes me reflect back. I don’t always have the answers, but I’m learning day by day. Being adopted is my beginning, not what stands in my way.

Haley Havens is a Guatemalan adoptee entering her second year at the University of Texas at Austin. She is pursuing an honors degree in advanced human development and family sciences, while also hoping to complete two pre-health related certificates. She hopes to one day become a genetic counselor to help others better understand their genes. “I was adopted from Guatemala at 4 months old, which sparked my initial interest in genetics,” Haley writes. “I found it fascinating how everybody could know their ancestry simply from their DNA, however I didn’t have much information regarding my own genealogy. What started as curiosity about DNA and ancestry has grown into a passion for supporting others as they navigate their own genetic stories.”