Through a streaky windshield and teary eyes, I waved goodbye to my friends one by one as they drove out of the In-N-Out parking lot. Moments before, we reminisced on our favorite memories and shared our hopes and anxieties about the upcoming freshman year over burgers and animal-style fries (a quintessential California send-off for those who were headed out of state). The hangout seemed like any of our other countless, spontaneous In-N-Out runs all throughout high school, but deep down we knew this one was different. None of us wanted to admit out loud that what happened next  would completely change our friendship forever. 

So, I sat alone in my car, frozen in disbelief, unable to shift into reverse. Because I knew the moment I heard my ‘94 Camry engine rev, I would need to accept a grave reality: this was the last hangout before we all  left for college. It wasn’t until months later that I was finally able to name the uncomfy feeling that we all avoided that afternoon. I would come to know the feeling as grief, a gut-wrenching pain of being  forced to say goodbye to people I love.

And unlike Sam Smith, “I’m (not) too good at goodbyes”. In fact, I am awful at them and hate when people leave me. I attach too easily to people and allow them to get close to me. I readily open up even though I know it might hurt in the end. 

Saying goodbye can be hard for non-adopted people, but for some adoptees this process can be especially difficult.

Transitions in relationships can trigger feelings of abandonment stemming from the primal wound, a theory coined by Nancy Verrier, LMFT in the early 90s, to describe the life-long impacts of severing the tie between infant and biological mother. Through her research, she found the primal wound “manifests in a sense of loss (depression), basic mistrust (anxiety), emotional and/or behavioral problems and difficulties in relationship with significant others…affect[ing] the adoptee’s sense of self, self-esteem and self-worth throughout life.” Because of the primal wound, adoptees take huge risks when it comes to relationships (platonic, familial, or romantic) due to the fear of being abandoned again.

Even though the loss I experienced with my friends occurred as a result of a natural transition from high school to college, nevertheless it triggered my primal wound. At that point in my life, I felt like a jigsaw puzzle and all my friends were pieces that completed the “puzzle of Katelyn.” When Krista moved to Berkeley, I lost a corner piece. As Laura flew to Boston, suddenly I missed a straight edge. As each friend moved away, integral pieces of Katelyn left with them. I felt incredibly abandoned and asked myself, “who is Katelyn without her friends?” 

And the thought of making new friends in college triggered major insecurities around being cool, smart, and pretty enough to be deserving of great friendships. I was also skeptical to find friends I could trust with my secrets, who would understand me and where I came from. On my darkest days I wondered what the point was of making new friends if inevitably we would be saying goodbye four years later. 

A friendship goodbye is just one example of the many goodbyes adoptees will encounter in their lifetimes.

A death of a loved one, setting boundaries with a family member, a breakup with a significant other, or a favorite colleague leaving the workplace all have the potential to trigger adoption wounds. But the reality of life is transition and goodbyes are inevitable. It’s a fact that many people will enter and exit in the story of an adoptee’s life. And for me, this was a hard truth to cognitively accept despite experiencing this loss as part of my origin story. 

Because my body remembers the searing pain of abandonment to this day, I still grip tightly to my relationships in an effort to protect myself. Because my body remembers, I try to make meaning out of the fact I was separated from my birth family, and as a child the only reason I could come up with was that I was somehow unlovable, damaged, or broken. Because my body remembers, I often found myself trapped in unbalanced, one-sided relationships where I gave too much and belittled my own needs. Because my body remembers, I have internalized the lie that I need to perform in order to be loved.  

After years of self-exploration and therapy, I’ve found that most goodbyes are beyond my control. That in itself has freed me from my people-pleasing tendencies, feelings of shame, and the taxing burden of convincing people to stay in my life. I realized people will leave and it’s not always my fault. There’s nothing I can do to make them stay. The only thing in my control is how I react to and process the goodbye. 

Now, I have a more balanced perspective on the comings and goings of people in my life. I am still uncomfortable with goodbyes, but don’t take them as personally anymore. They still hurt just as much, but I have better coping strategies to work through the pain of feeling abandoned (see below). And as far as my high school friends go, thankfully with a little bit of effort and a lot of luck coordinating schedules, we still get together at least once a year to reminisce on our favorite memories. And in those moments, all of the pieces are put back together again in the puzzle of Katelyn. 

A special thanks to Sammie LaFramboise and other adopted friends who helped me put together these tips!

The post Goodbyes, I’m Not Too Good appeared first on Holt International.

It’s difficult to say when the word “adoption” first popped into our heads. We talked about adoption in the earliest moments of forming our family. Maybe it was an image or a story that stuck with us during our childhood years. We had no examples in our family, per se. It simply felt like a whisper and a heart opening. It felt like extending love, security and family to a child who desperately needed it.

The desire and whispering voice stuck with us as our young children grew. And in the most unlikely moment, that whisper turned into a curiosity about what was possible. Many hurdles had to be overcome and many unlikely “yeses” had to be given. When the doors flung open, we were nervous yet hopeful. We knew we had a lot to learn but that the gift of time would allow us to set out on a journey of growth and maturation that would be important for our family and all our children.

Letting Go and Saying Yes

Throughout the process, decisions that felt a bit unnatural at first had to be made. We simply wanted to be a family for a child who needed one. All the decisions seemed odd beyond that. But nonetheless, we had to move forward with deciding the birth country of our child. The country of South Africa drew us in for its diversity, history, culture and beauty, like so many places around the world.

When we spent more time learning about the HIV crisis in South Africa and learned that a family adopting through the program would need to be open to parenting a child with HIV, we felt equipped and ready to step into the life of a child who had been affected by HIV in some way. It is also no secret that the ethics and complexity of adoption are challenging and important. That was clear to us from the beginning and almost stopped us from pursuing adoption at all. This is why partnering with Wandisa, an agency that fights for safety, security, love and family for all vulnerable children in their community and that does so in such a powerful and ethical way, was really important to us.

If we could say yes to any child born to us, we could say yes to any child in front of us. We knew we could rally as a family around a child and love them deeply regardless of the unknowns of their future.

At the time we entered the program in April 2014, HIV was the main special need of children being adopted from South Africa. However, the program changed dramatically during our time of waiting. Children who were older with higher level needs were more commonly being referred through the program. It was a slow and gradual evolution of thought, realizing that we could parent a child with more severe needs and do it well. Eventually, we could envision that reality and we knew we could become strong advocates for our child regardless of their abilities or medical complexity.

If we could say yes to any child born to us, we could say yes to any child in front of us. We knew we could rally as a family around a child and love them deeply regardless of the unknowns of their future.

It is true what is said for all adoptions: you don’t know what the future holds. But as our openness grew, we began to let go of worries about the future and just remain present to the commitment of love. That mindset would continue to carry us through the many moments ahead.

It isn’t all roses, the parenting or the attachment work or the grief. But this is important and holy work for you and your child.

Parenting a Child With Trauma

All adoptees experience trauma. This is not an opinion, but a fact. The adoption itself is traumatic. While reading is important and educating yourself about what parenting might look like is wise, actually parenting a child with that trauma history and guiding them requires commitment, unconditional love (even when you don’t feel it), and community.

It isn’t all roses, the parenting or the attachment work or the grief. But this is important and holy work for you and your child.

The most powerful support we have received has been in the form of friends and family who can hold your joys and struggles and your triumphs and failures with love and tenderness. Those who can see the beauty and pain in your child and encourage you in your love and care each step of the way are a true gift.

Becoming a Transracial Family

South Africa itself is a beautiful and richly diverse country. It also has its own history with relatively recent ending of apartheid about 30 years ago. Visiting South Africa and learning about the foods and flavors and smells, the people, and the landscape of the country is a pure joy. And yet, racial division still exists very much like it does here in the U.S. It can feel even more obvious in a country that is new to racial reconciliation.

It’s not just about hair or skin care, though those are important. It’s about racial justice, seeking out Black mirrors and mentors, fighting for Black empowerment and for the same educational opportunities and outcomes for Black students, and constantly fighting implicit biases — your own and those of the community around you.

Becoming a transracial family gives new identity to each member. Our commitment to learning about and embracing Black culture, both here in the U.S. and in South Africa, continues. It’s a lifelong journey that is important to each member of our family. We attended a transracial adoption workshop by Angela Tucker prior to our first adoption, which really laid the groundwork for our continued advocacy, learning and work.

It’s not just about hair or skin care, though those are important. It’s about racial justice, seeking out Black mirrors and mentors, fighting for Black empowerment and for the same educational opportunities and outcomes for Black students, and constantly fighting implicit biases — your own and those of the community around you.

It means getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It means wearing your Black Lives Matter shirt while a truck drives by you waving a confederate flag. It means taking a stand on behalf of Black members of your community and constantly elevating their voices above your own. It’s decentering your whiteness at every opportunity and celebrating your children’s blackness each and every day.

Showing Up for Our Children

Our children were adopted in November 2017 and June 2019. Their stories are their own to tell. Adoption was a last resort for them. And we wish it wasn’t that way. We are committed to walking through their grief together and helping them process all that they have lost. Watching them become exactly who they were created to be with the love and nurturing of family has been some of the most holy witnessing we have ever had the privilege of being part of.

Our children have taught us immeasurably more than we have taught them. And as imperfect parents, we do a lot of apologizing for our failures. But we always show up for each other. We never leave. Even on the hardest days, we show up for our commitment to each other.

Our children’s light shines brightly for all those around them and they are truly a gift in this world. They are beautifully and wonderfully made. Their home is here with us and back home in South Africa. We realize that they are not ours and ours alone. They belong to so many people, even those who had to let go. So as we talk about first families, celebrate South African holidays, make South African food and dance to South African music in our home, we do it with a holy remembrance and a longing for our return to show love and commitment to those who remain.

Erin and Adam Turner | Adoptive Parents

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The post Our Story of Adopting From South Africa and Becoming a Transracial Family appeared first on Holt International.

Adoptive mom Amanda Kick shares her family’s story of adopting two children with special needs from South Africa, where Holt just launched our newest adoption program.

My husband and I were on our first date when I bluntly asked if he’d be comfortable with adoption as a way to grow a family. I had adoption in my heart for years and knew I wasn’t willing to budge. Although there’s deep beauty in biological children, I just knew I wanted to parent the kids who were waiting. Thankfully, my now husband was fully on board.

We first approached our agency and learned we were too young for many countries, too poor, or our BMI was too high for others. We fit all the parameters for South Africa so it was an easy decision that felt kind of made for us. I had been on a trip to South Africa in high school so I thought I was somewhat familiar with the country.

We eagerly joined the program wanting to adopt a “healthy” baby girl, age 4 or younger.

We quickly learned that would be a long, long, long wait because young children with little to no medical needs were being adopted domestically. (Woohoo — we loved hearing that these children would be able to grow up in the country and culture of their birth!) We then learned there was actually a list of waiting kids in South Africa who were fully eligible for adoption and who had long waited for an international adoptive family.

It was a slow process of peeling back the layers of our desires.

We had to ask ourselves hard questions like, “Are we asking this child to fulfill something for us or are we asking them to come fully as themselves into our family?” We realized it wasn’t about us and was actually about these children.

We saw our son on the waiting list a few months after our dossier had gone to South Africa. He was 6, had “possible hearing loss” and cerebral palsy (CP). He had been on the waiting list for months! I had seen his picture every single day for months, but we had checked “no” to CP on the list of special needs we would be open to. We thought it was too complex for our family. It wasn’t until we saw videos of him walking down a hallway and smiling that we realized we were greatly misinformed about CP.

We were matched with Ben and thought, “Ok so he’s deaf. No big deal. We’ll just learn sign language,” and enrolled in a ten-week class. We had coffee with a friend who grew up with a deaf brother and asked if she thought we could do it (even though secretly, our minds were already made up). She lovingly told us we were in for a bumpy ride and shared the difficult realities of being hearing parents to a deaf child.

Meeting Our Children in South Africa

We met Ben when he only knew about 15 signs and we knew about 50. The early days were full of tantrums. Whew. As we took our screaming, crying, biting, kicking and spitting child out of a mall in South Africa, someone actually stopped and asked us if we had found a lost child. But I think what saved us those first few years was our training on trauma. We had to remind ourselves that Ben couldn’t express himself and didn’t have words. He hadn’t learned sign language yet so all he knew for six years was to physically use his body to express himself.

Imagine not being able to tell someone your tummy hurts or you’re cold or you don’t want to wear the red shoes today?

We failed over and over, but had to learn a lot of patience. We had to learn a brain in trauma can’t be reasoned with in the moment. Ben had to first regulate before we could reason with him. That took time and practice. Today, he’s nearly 10 and has the language of a 3-year-old. We are all still signing and doing our best to be fluent!

He still has tantrums, but they’re much less frequent. We continue to learn his brain isn’t wired like ours so his behaviors can’t be explained like ours. Sometimes, it happens in public and we have to learn to brush it off because a traumatized brain needs time and space to regulate. We’ve gotten a front row seat to watching our son go from not even understanding what a question is to being able to tell time, remind me that on Mondays he rides the bus, and ask if we can have pizza for dinner! It’s a treat to watch him learn new words all the time!

A year after Ben came home, we were matched with his sister, Haddie Thandolwethu. We were quickly making our way back to South Africa, this time for a 2-year-old girl who we were told was born with no cerebellum in her brain, and no ability to walk, smile, communicate or sit up on her own.

How in the world we went in two years from wanting a healthy, “perfect” baby to a toddler who would need lifelong care and therapies, I have no idea!

I think God just slowly peeled back the layers and made us address our selfish desires. These children didn’t owe us anything. We owed them the promise of our unconditional love.

We asked ourselves if we could change diapers for the rest of our lives and we couldn’t think of a reason why we couldn’t. We are a homebody family. We like a slow-paced schedule. We don’t like to be on the go. We couldn’t help but acknowledge that we really were a good fit for a child with special needs.

Building a Strong Attachment

When we met Haddie, unlike with Ben, our attachment was not instant. It was terrifying. Our connection to Ben was instant and fierce. But Haddie’s needs felt big and scary. She screamed hours of the day, her sensory needs meant she slammed her head on any hard surface, and she sucked her thumb until it was raw and cut open. We’d show up to a restaurant in South Africa and realize there was no wheelchair ramp. We definitely had some moments of panic where we questioned what had we just done.

Thankfully, we had well-seasoned adoptive families who let us know it was totally normal if the attachment took time. I didn’t fall in love with my spouse in a day so it was OK if I didn’t fall in love with my child in a single day.

They encouraged us to take little steps each day to attach. No step was too small or silly. For me, it was buying new clothes for her. It sounds funny now, but I wanted to buy her new outfits and try them on her. We did that to build our bond. We worked on her hair, trying new products and styles. We threw on our swimsuits and took our baths together. We took naps together. We did whatever we could to build our bond.

I followed my gut. I found myself making her homemade mashed foods that helped me build attachment. Looking back now, it makes sense. Mothers and fathers care for their baby’s every need in the beginning and it forms a bond, so that’s exactly what we did.

We nurtured her every way we could. Some days, she would scream and slam her head and we would ride in the car and silently cry. We went to our court date and just trusted God that our attachment would come in time — and boy did it come!

I wish I had known all along it’s OK when things don’t come instantly. It’s OK to mourn the version of your family you lose when you add a child. I wish everyone knew that.

Although we faced many legal challenges while in South Africa, the country was a perfect host. The scenery is stunning and the hospitality is warm and inviting. We met amazing people who would stop at nothing to make us feel welcome. South Africans are communal and inviting.

Lessons We’ve Learned as Adoptive Parents

Now that we are home, we are always learning something new. We are learning about the resources available to us to parent two children with developmental disabilities. We bought a wheelchair-accessible van and put a ramp in our garage. We tried therapies and we quit therapies. We went into spaces our kids didn’t quite fit so we found new spaces. All you can do is take it one day and one step at a time. As parents, we have to keep our mental health in check and make sure all our energy doesn’t go to our kids at the expense of our own health.

If I could go back to my old self and tell her anything, I’d tell her this:

1. The weeks before court when your child is still in their care home/orphanage are not the time to form opinions about your parenting or your child. Your child is grieving the loss of everything they know and love and that can present in many behaviors. The people who love them and cared for them are also grieving. This can also make you feel uncomfortable and unsure if you’re the parent, or a visitor. Give space for everyone to grieve and let the true bonding begin after court!

2. Attachment won’t come over night and THAT IS OK! Take each baby step you can take to form your attachment. Snuggle, pick them up, read them a story, spoon-feed them, buy the cute outfit, do hair care! (I carried my 6-year-old everywhere and people stared, but it bonded us in a beautiful way.)

3. You can do hard things for the people you love. You can wipe butts. You can battle schools. You can modify your home, your schedule, your wallet, your priorities and your plans. Life is much richer when you aren’t at the center!

Amanda Kick | Adoptive Mom

Adopt From South Africa

Many children in South Africa are waiting for a loving, permanent family.

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The post One Family’s Story of Adopting From South Africa appeared first on Holt International.

It was time to go and meet our fifth child, our second adoption from China. Our path to him had been clear — we knew he was the boy that God had led us to. He was to be our son. We knew he would come to us with a couple medical diagnoses and some developmental delays. We thought his developmental delays included learning to walk and speak late. At 2 years old, he was just starting to babble.

I had pored over his paperwork and felt like all of his reported delays were simply related to being institutionalized, and I was encouraged by the great strides in his development after joining a foster family in China. I had heard stories of institutionalized kids coming home to their forever family and overcoming so many of their delays. I was optimistic and ready to welcome my son into my heart and our family forever.

The moment he was placed into my arms in China at almost 3 years old, I knew his delays and issues were more severe than I had anticipated or imagined. He was laughing and smiling, and that was not how kids are supposed to act when being placed into a stranger’s arms.

We took him back to our motel room and I realized he was not making eye contact with any of us. He had no verbal communication and was rummaging through every garbage can he could find, looking for something to play with. He hit himself repeatedly and when we went anywhere new, he would go cross-eyed and grind his teeth. He was so scared and couldn’t communicate it. And so was I.

Those first two weeks with him in China were confusing, stressful and scary.  Honestly, I thought my life was over. I cried every night to sleep. I even had thoughts of not bringing him home. It was my faith in God that pulled me through. I was confident that God had led us to this boy. I didn’t understand anything that was happening with my child but I knew that God was worthy of my trust.

After two hard weeks in China, we traveled home and began the journey of getting to know our son. The world of developmental delays was unknown and uncomfortable to us, but it was the world that we had suddenly been immersed into.

I hadn’t done any specific research on developmental delays before this point — and in hindsight I wish I had done more to prepare myself to understand him better and meet his needs in the very beginning. We interacted with many professionals who all seemed perplexed by our son’s behaviors and offered different theories as to what a diagnosis could be. All we knew for sure is that he was developmentally delayed. He could not speak. He could walk, but not run or jump. He did not follow any commands or direction. He was impulsive.

It was in those many quiet moments in the hospital that God gave me deep compassion and a mother’s heart for him. I remember thinking, I don’t care what his diagnosis is or if he ever overcomes any of his delays. I love him so much just how he is.

Life was hard, and we all needed help.

Slowly but surely, we began to get help and see glimmers of hope. After weeding through many therapists and medical providers, we found those who were comfortable with our son’s complexities and unknowns. Not knowing when his delays started or any of his history proved to be difficult for many providers. But we found the ones who were willing to work with him based on what they saw in him in the present, and they began to help us see glimpses of his potential. As we watched them work with him, we were also being trained. His progress was slow, but we began to observe baby steps in the right direction.

To be completely honest, attachment was difficult for me. He was not the son that I had imagined for our family. I was selfish and had a lot of self-pity because I was out of my comfort zone dealing with him. I had lost control and life was not looking or feeling like I had planned. But two things happened that changed this for me. Sadly, one was him getting critically ill due to one of his medical diagnoses. He spent full days and weeks of his first year with us in the hospital. Watching him suffer softened my heart towards him.

It was in those many quiet moments in the hospital that God gave me deep compassion and a mother’s heart for him. I remember thinking, ‘I don’t care what his diagnosis is or if he ever overcomes any of his delays. I love him so much just how he is!’

The second moment occurred on a day I visited him in his preschool class. I observed two other boys arguing about which one of them got to sit by my son. I asked his teacher what was going on. She told me with a big grin, “This is common. All the kids want to sit by your son. They love him! His laugh and smile are contagious and he makes everyone happy!”

I couldn’t believe it!  My son, who had so many delays and couldn’t even talk, was an important part of his little community, his class. I was so amazed and so proud of him! My son! Over time, our emotional attachment grew, and I also developed great hope for him and his future.

In the beginning, all I could see in my son were his delays and disabilities. But as I experienced life with him and got to know him, I realized on the inside he was the same as me. He was born with a heart to feel and a mind to think. He was born with challenges and strengths, just like me.

He is extremely smart, discerning, funny, adventurous, brave and compassionate. I no longer view him, nor anyone else, as disabled, but I instead view us all as differently-abled.

He has been home with us for five years now and we just celebrated his 8^th birthday.  He is still delayed in some areas but has come so far since coming home. He learned to swim and ride a bike this summer! He loves to climb and run now. He can speak about 20 words and can communicate much more through his iPad. He even likes to tell jokes.

The compassion that he demonstrates for people who are hurting is unlike anything I have ever seen. He has overcome more than I ever thought he could and continually amazes me as he reveals more and more of what he can do! The sky is the limit for my boy! I love and adore my son so deeply. I am his number one fan and think he is one of the coolest and move lovable kids in the whole world!

My life does indeed look different since bringing him home five years ago. Living with a child who has some developmental delays is not easy. But it is worth it and I wouldn’t change it for the world! I am so thankful and honored and blessed that he is my son.

I thank God for leading us to this boy, my cherished son.

Jen Skipper | Keizer, OR

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The post My Cherished Son appeared first on Holt International.

“I now know that even children with the most tragic history miss what they’ve lost and the people they’ve left — even if that person hurt them the most. Every child was loved by someone — even if it was only their cribmate. They’ve lost their culture, language, friends, nannies and foster families. They’ve lost their birth families.

I learned to constantly ask myself if I was a person my child would WANT to bond with. Was I making myself easy to love and showing them through my words and actions they could trust me?”

A longer version of this story, “Family Foundations,” appeared in the spring 2014 Holt magazine.

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Many children wait longer for a family simply because they are older in age. Could you be the right family to adopt an older child? Meet some of the children who are waiting!

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Generation to generation, almost as predictably as hair or eye color, parents hand down their own attachment styles to their children. In essence, children learn one of the most critical lessons about human interaction — how to connect and relate with others — from their parents and caregivers. They then grow up and pass that same pattern of connection on to their own children.

By the time an infant is 1 year old, they have settled into an identifiable relationship pattern matching their parents’ patterns. In adoptive families, however, there can be a mismatch in attachment style between parent and child, which can complicate bonding. When you adopt through Holt, you will receive resources that will help you to identify and learn about your personal attachment style along with feedback to help you parent your adoptive child.

As a sneak peak, read through the following characteristics of each attachment style and see if you can identify yours. Typically, when we are in a “good place,” we have one prevailing style. However, it is important to note that these styles are on a continuum and that you likely have characteristics of more than one.

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The Four Attachment Styles

Type 1: Secure (Autonomous)

Just over half of the general population falls into this category. As infants, they had at least one parent or caregiver that clearly understood their needs and was able to meet their needs in a way that conveyed warmth, understanding and acceptance. These adults are unique in their ability to put themselves in their child’s (infant, teen, young adult’s) shoes, understand the child’s feelings, reflect back to their child with words and facial expressions their understanding of the child’s experience. They are able to calmly explain to their child what they are feeling without intimidation or shaming. Then, through a complex neurological process, the child is able to absorb the parent’s sense of calm and they then calm down in response.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style:

• Flexible in their views, trusting, forgiving, tolerant of differences
• Keeps in contact with friends and family for the long-term
• Turns to others in times of stress, available to others in their time of need
• Considered a “people person” (this does not necessarily require an extroverted personality)
• Comfortable with intimacy and depending on others without worrying about the relationship
• Good balance of structure and nurture in parenting

This summary may sound like a fairy godmother, but that is not how it works in real life. Parents are human and cannot be perfect all of the time. It is the majority of the parent’s interactions with their child that determines their category.

Type 2: Avoidant (Dismissing)

About 20-25% of adults have this as their main category. These parents are skilled at meeting their children’s physical needs. Their children are clean, neat, well-nourished and always arrive on time. These parents value personal strength, self-sufficiency and normalcy. As adults, they often power through difficult experiences, believing that it will make them stronger. Individuals with this attachment style value achievement and prefer life to be scheduled and structured. As a parent, they tend to fill the time with activities while avoiding the “touchy-feely” emotional aspect of parenting. The key word that sums up this attachment style is “independent.”

Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment Style:

• Controlled, cool under pressure, non-emotional, takes charge
• Equates intimacy with loss of independence; emotionally distant in intimate relationships
• Uncomfortable talking about emotions and tends to repress emotions
• Communication is intellectual and avoids conflict until they explode
• Prefers being alone; denies attachment needs, feelings and behaviors
• Withdraws and shuts down from interpersonal interactions during stressful situations

Type 3: Anxious (Preoccupied)

About 18% of adults fall into this category. Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to have increased vigilance to the changes in others’ emotional states. They are very sensitive to other people’s cues. In parenting, it can be beneficial to be highly aware of your child’s feelings, but individuals with an anxious attachment style also tend to jump to conclusions, which often leads to misinterpreting others’ cues. Individuals with an anxious attachment style often worry about their relationships and, until they receive feedback that reestablishes their sense of security in the relationship, can be obsessive and worry that they are not valued and will be abandoned.

Characteristics of Anxious Attachment Style:

• Wants to be extremely emotionally close with others
• Worries about rejection and abandonment, preoccupied with relationship
• Poor personal boundaries and can be argumentative, combative and angry
• “Stirs the pot,” highly emotional, makes things too personal
• Suspicious, blames others, communication isn’t collaborative
• Fears small acts will ruin a relationship
• Discomfort when challenged by others

Type 4: Disorganized (Unresolved)

This style or category does not stand alone and most often presents itself in conjunction with one of the above styles. This style involves a past grief or trauma that continues to have a strong influence on the person as an adult. Some examples of unresolved grief or trauma include a death that wasn’t properly grieved, or a terrifying and overwhelming experience such as ongoing abuse or neglect that was not appropriately dealt with. How these unresolved experiences manifest in parenting behavior may be very subtle and often catch parents off guard, but there is always a significant impact on the attachment process.

It’s important to note that adverse histories do not always negatively impact a person’s ability to parent.

While navigating relationships from a place of insecurity requires more emotional effort, it is the reality for many of us. Developing personal insight and relational skills will help to build your security. Attachment styles can change! When traumatic experiences are processed with a skilled professional, and/or through the presence of healthy adult relationships, we can heal and grow. Most importantly, once a parent has moved through the healing process, they can help their children down the path of healing as well.

Key Takeaways:

• Children learn attachment style from their parents or caregivers

• In adoption, there can be a mismatch between parent and child

• Holt provides tools and resources to help parents build a strong attachment with their child

To read more about attachment styles and how learning your own style can help you develop a strong and loving bond with your adopted child, read “The Power of Showing Up” by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

Pam Shephard, MSW, LCSW | Supervisor of Clinical Services

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We work with families in all 50 states to find loving homes for children from 11 locations around the world!

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The post The Four Attachment Styles: Do You Know Yours? appeared first on Holt International.

Celeste Snodgrass, Holt’s Director of Clinical Services, shares tips for bonding with your tweens and teens.

Parents of younger children (under the age of 6 or 7) have many opportunities throughout the day to help their child meet their needs. Children often need help with the bathroom, brushing their teeth, buttoning their pants, cutting their food, getting their hair washed, etc…

Each of these events offers parents opportunities throughout the day to build trust with their child — communicating to the child they are there for them and will assist them in their needs.

These small interactions are particularly important to newly adoptive parents and their children, and provide opportunities for physical touch during a time when relationship-building is of most importance. Every single interaction might not end in a bear hug, but parents are offering nurture. Even if children are not fans of hugs and kisses, these small nurturing touches create connection, through loving human contact. Children who have lacked intimacy or experienced unhealthy touch in the past are still hard-wired for connection — and you can help them get there through playful interaction.

What are parents to do when they adopt older children who are capable of completing all the activities of daily living independently? How can parents physically connect when their child refuses hugs and kisses?

Parents need to be creative and playful.

Playful? With my older child? Yes! Even teenagers love to play. They just play differently than toddlers and school-age children!

Find out how your child likes to play. Do they enjoy building with Legos? Then don’t just play Legos with them, get some boxes or cardboard and help them create a giant maze, fort or tunnels using the cardboard. Get on the ground with them, help them problem-solve how to fit the boxes together. You might get some eye rolls — because all pre-teens are skilled at the eye roll — but they will have fun! Does your child enjoy sports? Start off playing a non-contact sport with them (baseball, kicking the soccer ball) and then build up to one-on-one basketball, football, and when it’s cold outside, wrestle in the house.

Playful? With my older child? Yes! Even teenagers love to play. They just play differently than toddlers and school-age children!

Did you adopt a girl who refuses to play a sport and loves to dress up and take selfies? Then help her with her make-up and her hair. Don’t just show her how to put eyeshadow on. Do it for her. Play with make-up with her and create different looks on each other that are totally outrageous or subtle and pretty. Take silly selfies together with your new looks. You can do this with each other’s hair or nails as well. At-home spa days are wonderful ways to physically pamper your child and provide nurturing touch.  Try an impromptu dance party or doing a few partner yoga poses together (a quick internet search will give you some ideas).

Even just going for a playful walk where you each give a fist bump when you see certain things — an animal, a type of flower, a specific car model, etc… — can offer an opportunity to align with your child, explore your fun side, and incorporate some level of physical or symbolic touch.

All kids, regardless of their age, appreciate a nightly bedtime routine. With younger children, we tend to help them get their pajamas on, brush their teeth, then read a story or two, tuck them in bed, give them a kiss and if we are as skilled as Mary Poppins, they fall right to sleep. But how do you create a nurturing bedtime routine with a pre-teen that refuses to go to bed or refuses that goodnight kiss?

This is where parents need to get creative and silly. Being silly can disarm a lot of fear, frustration or anger.

Is your child light enough that you can pick them up like a sack of potatoes? Can you jokingly drag them into their bedroom all while the other parent is tickling their feet or playing tug-of-war to try and keep them in the family room? Can you chase them with fingers that are ready to tickle them? If you keep the mood light and silly, most children will comply and begin laughing along the way. Instead of tucking in the moody pre-teen, can you jump on their bed until they begin laughing? Can you take their favorite blanket, stick it in the dryer for ten minutes to get it all nice and warm, then as they get in bed, wrap it around them with a little hug? Can you jokingly wrestle them until you get their cheek in the perfect position to plant a kiss?

Play isn’t just Barbies, dump trucks and Candyland. Physical play that involves loving, nurturing touch can help build strong connections with your child.

Celeste Snodgrass | LCSW-PIP, Director of Clinical Services

For more information about ways to build connections with children of all ages, read “Attaching Through Love”, “Hugs and Play” and “Games and Activities for Attaching With Your Child” by Deborah Gray or the TBRI for Teens video.

Holt provides support to all adoptive families!

We are here to serve, connect and support all adoptive families! We offer post-adoption coaching and education, summer camps and more.

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The post Creating Connections with Older Children appeared first on Holt International.

Tips from Liz Larson, an adoptive mom and counselor with a specialty in trauma. 

On the morning she first met her daughter in China,  Liz Larson could feel the weight of both the joy she would feel as well as the potential fear and pain her daughter might experience.

“I feel sad for her,” Liz said, waiting in the hotel just hours before she would meet 2-year-old Ellia. “Her world is about to be flipped upside down. She’s only 2. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t understand why it has to happen. Someday, I hope she will. It’s going to be a scary couple of weeks for her so I feel sad for her. I hope she can feel safe with me.”

But Liz was ready to plant seeds of trust. As a counselor with a specialty in trauma, Liz Larson had spent her entire professional career preparing for that moment.

“Kids and trauma is something I’m really passionate about,” Liz says. “I really believe in the brain’s ability to rebound. It’s also the most important thing for adoptive families — educating themselves about trauma.”

As all internationally adopted children have endured the trauma of losing their families at a minimum, it’s critical that every adoptive parent understands how trauma impacts children — as well as how to help their children cope. The first steps begin on the very first day.

To the right, Liz shares practical things all parents can do when they first meet their adopted child to begin forming a strong emotional attachment — and lay the groundwork for healing.

Tips from Liz Larson:

Remember Emotions:

Your child is overwhelmed right now. Meltdowns are common and expected. If your child will not accept comfort from you, stay nearby and attempt to comfort them periodically. Offer distractions, like toys, candy or music. You may just have to wait until they calm down. Speak in empathetic tones and help them learn words to express their feelings by saying things like, “I know you are sad that we can’t go back and see your foster mom. That makes me sad, too.” Your child may grow calm if they see familiar faces and places, so share photos from their life if you have them.

All of the following can be ways children show fear or anxiety: shutting down, raging, acting on-the-go constantly, clinging to an adult, pushing an adult away, aggression, crying, sleeping too much, refusing to sleep, clinging to specific toys or snacks, refusing to remove specific items of clothing, shoes or a backpack, trying to leave the room, becoming upset when they need to leave the room, or scratching or hurting themselves or others.

Our job as parents is to be calm, safe and loving so that our child comes to trust us and feel safe with us. STAY CALM, even though it is so hard to do when your child is struggling. We are trying to create the impression that we are unconditionally safe and can be trusted. Avoid yelling, showing frustration, berating or walking away in frustration. Even though they can’t understand you yet, your tone speaks volumes. Later on, when your child is calm or occupied, take time to work through your own feelings or have a good cry.

During your first days together:

Meet their needs: ONLY parents should be giving food, comfort, daily care and affection at this stage, if at all possible.

Say ‘yes’ as often as possible to anything your child wants!

Mirror your child’s tone of voice, facial expressions and movements, like you would with a newborn.

Make eye contact when possible and hold it as long as your child is able. Try peek-a-boo if your child is nervous to look at you.

Take turns sticking stickers on each other. Put stickers on each other’s nose or forehead to help create eye contact.

Take turns blowing bubbles or batting a balloon back and forth.

Offer snacks like Cheerios or small crackers so your child comes back to you for more repeatedly.

Carry your child whenever possible to teach them they are with you and to create the security that they will not be handed off again.

The post How to Build Loving Bonds Beginning Day 1 appeared first on Holt International.

Oftentimes, a birth mother may struggle with finding ways to bond with her child after placement.

When it comes to connecting with her birth child, many birth mothers struggle with:

1. Feeling unsure about the child’s likes or dislikes
2. Doubting her ability to form a relationship with her child after placement
3. Fear that that she will do something wrong and won’t be able to see the adoptive family again
4. Fear of experiencing loss again
5. Not wanting to overstep boundaries

Want to learn some tips for navigating this relationship? Hear from Samantha, a birth mother, about her five tips for bonding between a birth mother and her birth child! 

The post Bonding For Birth Parents appeared first on Holt International.

One of the most common struggles parents face is playing with their children. For some, it just doesn’t come natural to be playful with kids. Often, we are too heavy on structure or correction because it’s what we think our kids need. But what if it were possible to teach our kids certain needed skills WHILE playing and having fun with them?

All of the activities below will meet your kids’ needs in some capacity. They will also help break up those long, dreaded indoor days of winter!

For younger children:

• Bring bubbles inside! Sit on your kitchen floor and have your little one try to pop the bubbles with a particular body part (elbows, toe, ear). Bubbles catch interest and you can make the activity more structured or more spontaneous! Eye contact, laughing and being silly together also helps build connection and strong attachment.
• Sticker Match: Place colorful stickers on your child and then have the child place stickers on you in the same places until you are both decorated the same way. After all of the stickers are on, touch your matching stickers nose to nose, elbow to elbow, etc… This engaging activity will promote teamwork, laughing, matching and connecting.
• Trace messages or do a “weather report” on your child’s back. Write letters, pictures or messages on their back and have them guess what they are. Do a “weather report,” asking your child what the weather was like today. If it was warm and sunny, make a large, warm circle with your hand. For windy weather, you could swoop your hands lightly across their back and make a swishing noise. To create thunder, you could pound gently with the sides of your hands. And to create rain, make light finger taps. This activity can also help calm your child down if they need it, while having fun and meeting sensory needs.

For all ages:

• Balloon Games: Work together to keep the balloon in the air without touching the ground and see how high you can get in. Change it up by trying to use only one body part like your head or elbow. Balloon races are fun for the whole family: get in partners and place a balloon between your heads or stomachs, working together to keep the balloon from falling. Set up a start line and finish line to see who can get there first. This activity promotes teamwork and cooperation, as well as connecting.
• Cotton Ball Hockey: Lie on the floor on your stomachs (or sit with a pillow in between you) and blow cotton balls back and forth, trying to get the cotton ball under your partner’s arms or off the edge of the pillow. Or make it more challenging by working together to keep the cotton ball on the pillow in the middle. This is an engagement activity that encourages teamwork and models regulation.
• Red Light, Green Light or Follow the Leader: These simple childhood games can help you share power with your kids by taking turns being the leader or being the “caller” for red light, green light. It also helps them learn how to regulate by having to wait for directions and to control their bodies.
• Thumb Wrestling or “Rock, Paper, Scissors”: These super simple games promote touch, cooperation and eye contact with your child.
• “Heads Up”: This game can be downloaded as an app on your phone! There are even versions with just pictures so that younger kids can also play and give clues. One player holds the phone to their head and the other players try to get them to guess what the picture is on the phone by giving various clues. Once you guess the correct answer, you just tilt your head down to go to the next picture. If you need to pass, you tilt your head up! These games foster eye contact/bonding, cooperation and learning.

We didn’t forget about your teens!

• Manicures and Pedicures: Take turns with your teen giving each other a manicure or pedicure (or both). This allows for nurturing time with healthy touch that doesn’t feel intrusive or overwhelming to your teen.
• Temporary Tattoos: Find some fun tattoos that your teen might like. Allow them to choose one for you as well. Just remember, they’re temporary, and allowing your teen to choose empowers them and lets them know you are having fun.
• Progressive Pass Around: There are several ways to implement this activity. The idea is to take turns, building upon the activity as you go. You can do a silly face pass around in which the first person makes a silly face, then the next person repeats that face plus adds one of their own. This is repeated, going around the circle as many times as everyone wants to. You can also do this with writing a story. Each person takes a turn writing a sentence, making up a story as they go along. Lastly, you can play pass around by drawing pictures as well. Each person gets a turn drawing one thing on the paper. All of these activities foster connection and working together as well as strengthening creativity.

The post How You Can Play, Connect and Beat the Winter Blues All at Once! appeared first on Holt International.