All teens face challenges during their adolescence of figuring out who they are and who they want to become. They must cope with many physical, emotional and social changes and learn how to respond to expectations from their family, peers, school and our society.  

Adopted teens have an additional task: how to understand and incorporate their unique birth history, and their adoption, into their emerging adult self. 

Author and adoptive parent expert Gregory C. Keck described this identity formation process as “creating one self from many pieces.” Parents can play a helpful role in this process by providing the teen with their complete adoption history and being open to discussions about the complex circumstances of their adoption, including both the known facts and unknown history and background of their birth parents. In addition, parents should be sure that they are comfortable discussing the deeper and more complex aspects of their child’s adoption history and communicate that they are secure in recognizing the teen’s need to explore their birth family roots.

Teens may assume that they should stay away from talking about their mixed emotions and loyalties related to their adoption. They don’t want to hurt their parents’ feelings. To counter this, parents should let their adopted child know, in a clear and direct manner, that they can handle these discussions and are not worried about where they might lead.

Sharing Birth History and Confronting Hard Truths

As adopted adolescents work on their identity, they often encounter emotional challenges that they did not face during their younger childhood years. Teens’ increased brain capacity and cognitive abilities lead them to re-think, re-question and reflect on their adoption in new ways. They will reflect on the reasons behind their adoption, wonder about missing or difficult information, have increased feelings of being different from parents and other siblings, worry about their actual security and belonging with their adoptive family, and experience new feelings of loyalty and curiosity about their birth parents and birth siblings. 

Author Debbie Riley encourages parents to really work on their own ability to accept the depth of these feelings in their teens and provide support for teens who want to explore their own history.  Parents who feel that they “did the work about all this” when their children were younger must recognize that their growing teen is smarter, more curious and a deeper thinker. 

To help adopted teens with their identity quest, adoption experts recommend that parents make a copy of the materials they received about their child at the time of adoption. Once their child has reached their teen years, parents should give this information to their teen to keep, read and explore. Parents will likely need to give guidance on how their teen should handle this sensitive information and also set boundaries about any information that may be private.  Sharing this information with young teens around the age of 12 or 13 gives them several years to come to terms with the fact that adoption is filled with both love and loss.

Teens need support in understanding the difficult circumstances their birth parents faced — whether they decided to relinquish their child voluntarily or if their child was taken into custody because of a history of abuse or neglect. Parents and their adopted teens should discuss how to share this information with other siblings in the family, and how this sensitive information should never be used to hurt someone. Siblings in the family may need direct guidance on what it means to learn sensitive information about their brother and sister as well as their responsibility to respect the privacy of their adopted sibling. 

Meeting Your Adopted Teen at Their Maturity Level

Adopted children who faced complex traumatic experiences in their childhood may be less emotionally mature than their peers or siblings who did not face these hardships. Parents need to recognize that a teen’s chronological age may not match their level of emotional or social maturity. To address this gap, parents can identify the social skills teens need, such as making and keeping friends, dealing with strong emotions, making healthy choices with peers, being assertive in new situations, balancing home, school and work responsibilities, and planning for their future. 

Author Richard Settersten notes that for some teens, a slower path to adulthood may be a good thing because it allows them to be successful in their later teen years and build up the skills they will need as more independent adults. During this period, older teens will need their parents as guides and supporters and will also benefit from other adult mentors who often can reach a teen that is unwilling to take guidance from their parents. Involved and supportive parents can help young adults as they make decisions, build credentials, save money, and avoid costly mistakes that will set them back on their path to adulthood. 

Maintain perspective, keep your wits about you, find comfort in humor, hold on to your faith and never underestimate the power of love.

Gregory C. Keck, author and adoptive parent expert

Finally, as adopted teens seek and achieve more independence, they may be ambivalent about what it means to “leave home.” Children who had multiple home and family disruptions in their early life may be triggered when they achieve milestones like high school graduation. They may notice their peers being excited to move on to college, work or the military and feel left out or embarrassed because they have very mixed feelings about what it will mean to “leave” their adoptive family. These feelings may be very difficult to communicate and may surface in ways that are confusing to both the teen and the parents. This pattern has been noted in children adopted as infants as well as children adopted at an older age.  

Parents can be helpful in acknowledging these feelings while allowing their adopted teen to choose a unique path that is supportive but also challenges them to grow. Support groups for teens and parents, as well as skilled adoption-competent counseling services, may help teens and parents navigate this late adolescence terrain. During this phase, parents will likely need to learn new ways to communicate, negotiate and understand their teen’s behavior, words, feelings and decisions. 

Gregory Keck ended his book on parenting adopted teens with some sound advice: “Maintain perspective, keep your wits about you, find comfort in humor, hold on to your faith and never underestimate the power of love.”

Holt provides support to all adoptive families!

We are here to serve, connect and support all adoptive families! We offer post-adoption coaching and education, summer camps and more.

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References:

Keck, Gregory C., Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding and Appreciating Their Journeys  

Naftzger, Katie, Parenting in the Eye of the Storm: The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Navigating the Teen Years

Riley, Debbie, Beneath the Mask, Understanding Adopted Teens

Settersten, Richard and Ray, Barbara E., Not Quite Adults: Why 20-Somethings are Choosing a Slower Path to Adulthood, and Why It’s Good for Everyone

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As children grow, they will likely experience losses through separation from caregivers, such as through divorce or family disruption. They may experience the death or serious illness of a family member, and they may experience loss through adoption. One of our many jobs as parents is to teach our children how to cope with these losses, and to serve as a role model on how to deal with grief and other serious family events in a healthy way. Fortunately, there is verified knowledge on how children react to serious losses and how we can help them.   

7 Tips to Help Your Children (and Yourself) Deal With Grief and Loss

1. Acknowledge your child’s grief. Recognize that children of all ages understand a loss in their own way, based on their cognitive abilities, personal history with other losses and developmental level. Even very young children can sense a deep change in the family when the adults are grieving and need acknowledgement and support from their parents and other caregivers. Children will react to grief and loss in ways that are different from adults. When faced with a family loss, parents need to find ways to take care of themselves as well as their children.   

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.

Fred Rogers

2. Tailor your strategy. Sudden losses such as a car accident, house fire or natural disaster affect us differently than losses that occur over time or a situation where there was time to prepare. Our reactions and needs in times of sudden loss are often practical and immediate, whereas our grief over the loss of someone who has lived a long life and then faced a long illness resulting in their death follows a more predictable path. We now know that people who experience a sudden loss don’t just need to talk about it; they need sustained practical support to get their life back in order.  Recognizing the differences between sudden losses and those which have occurred over a long period of time will help you tailor your strategy to help your child.  

3. Choose a path of openness. When a loss happens in your family, choose a path of openness that is careful, measured and direct. Keeping secrets from children about important family events causes harm and decreases trust. Instead, talk to children about a loss by including the basic information, and letting them know you will care for them and support them. Listen to how they respond with words, and watch how their bodies respond to difficult news. These cues will inform the next steps for you to take.   

4. Listen to children’s questions. Children’s early reactions to hearing about a loss include magical thinking, where they add their own imagination to a real event. Later, they shift to concrete thinking where the focus is on the practical details of what happened and how it affects them. Listening to children’s questions about an event that has happened will inform you of their level of thinking and help you tailor your responses to their developmental level. Nonetheless, your answers should be clear and accurate, even if they are simplified.  

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5. Normalize your child’s emotions. Children’s initial reactions to a deep loss will manifest in a wide array of emotions, including anger, sadness and even aggression. These losses cause children to become “dysregulated,” where their normal coping skills are maxed out. When faced with these situations, you can help by naming what you see and hear, and letting the child know that these reactions are normal and will also fade over time. You can help put words to the acting out of these deep feelings, and over time your child will be able to use their more rational thoughts to gain control over strong emotions. At the same time, children’s strong reactions need to be managed by adults so the child does not hurt themselves or other people, or destroy property.   

6. Look for signs. As children work through their reactions to separation and loss in stages, such as denial, anger and sadness, they eventually begin to incorporate what has happened in their own life. They find pleasure in normal daily activities again, and over time, they come to accept what has happened to them and the other people involved. This process takes time and effort. New losses while recovering from an initial loss may cause setbacks. Look for signs in their words, actions and overall behavior that they are beginning to accept the loss and resume typical daily activities. It’s OK to share with children your own grieving and healing process, with its ups, downs and setbacks.    

7. Share family rituals. Many parents have found that engaging in family rituals that honor a loss, and sharing the rituals together with those affected, have a profound and positive impact on the healing process. Open acknowledgment and the sharing of memories on important dates help with healing and let the child know that they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts about the loss. An understanding that anniversary dates related to losses will likely trigger deep feelings will help you make plans that can help everyone continue to heal and not suffer a deep setback on their own. Children need their parents to be the leaders in these activities, where they see them modeling healthy responses to a deep life loss.  

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As parents, we want our children to feel good about themselves and to know their abilities, strengths, and ultimately, their place in the world. We call the feelings about yourself “self-esteem” and the knowledge about yourself “identity.”

Throughout childhood and adolescence, children develop an awareness of themselves and others — their likes and dislikes and a sense of their capabilities. When children develop a strong sense of themselves, they are more likely to be successful in school and in their friendships. This positive sense of self is built through supportive relationships with family members, other adults and children and members of their community. Children develop a positive identity through open conversations, being valued by peers, experiencing supportive relationships and settings, and seeing other people with similar traits and identities be appreciated and valued.   

I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.

Lewis Carroll

To help children achieve this positive identity, parents can focus on four areas of development: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose and a positive view of one’s personal future. 

1. Personal Power  

Personal power comes from experiences where you try something challenging and are successful. Children can then look back and reflect on the challenge and how they met it. We encourage parents to help children challenge themselves to achieve something through their own hard work, whether that’s learning to play a musical instrument or learning about a new subject in school. When children find a particular interest, encourage them to pursue that interest in depth so that they can learn that diving into one area results in both new knowledge and great a sense of accomplishment.

A sense of personal power, or self-efficacy, also comes from learning to be assertive in communicating your needs to others. Being assertive means being confident and saying “yes” to opportunities that are both healthy and challenging, and saying “no” to situations that are unhealthy or lack respect or kindness.  

2. Self-esteem  

Self-esteem refers to the feelings we have about ourselves. People with high self-esteem can cope with challenging situations. Adults, including parents, teachers, family members and mentors play a key role in helping children develop positive self-esteem by seeing the child for who they are and supporting their unique views, opinions, talents and accomplishments.  

Through open dialogue, adults can let children know that their opinions are valued, even if those opinions are different from those of other family members or friends. Setbacks or failures at one activity can turn into growth opportunities where children reflect on what happened, change their course of action and even redo the challenge in a new way. Some children benefit from verbal affirmations that remind them of their skills and abilities. Others benefit from being able to pursue their interests and goals and earn recognition and praise from adults for their specific accomplishments and efforts.    

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3. Sense of Purpose 

People with a strong personal identity also have a sense of purpose. They find meaning in their lives and know they can make a unique contribution to the world around them. Children begin to understand that their actions affect others at an early age. When children are kind to others on the playground at school, they learn to see that their actions not only help that individual child but also help create a school climate that is safe and secure. Also, when children learn about injustices in the world such as racism or discrimination, or world problems such as childhood poverty or climate change, encourage them to take a stand with others to counter those problems. Finally, when children engage with their families in community service activities, they build empathy toward others and a sense of their ability to impact the world.  

People with a strong personal identity also have a sense of purpose. They find meaning in their lives and know they can make a unique contribution to the world around them.

Parents, teachers, mentors and faith leaders can engage children in the big questions about the meaning of a “purposeful life” and how each person can make their family, community or world a better place. Eventually, this sense of purpose can lead to choosing a profession or career that reflects that sense of purpose.    

4. Positive View of Personal Future 

Developing a positive view of one’s personal future takes place by children learning from adults and other role models who show that a hopeful future is possible, even in the face of adversity. Encourage children to “dream big” and delve deeply into their unique personal interests. Expose children to career paths or professions that are linked to these dreams or aspirations. They can help children outline a realistic path to see how they can reach that goal with schooling and finances. For example, children and teens interested in justice issues can learn about what the U.S. attorneys at the U.S. Department of Justice do to fight crime and injustices.  

As children grow into their adolescence, their ability to think more abstractly about the future increases. This makes the preteen and teen years a good time to encourage in-depth exploration of their interests with a focus on future goals, even if those goals might change by the time they are adults. A focus on a positive future also provides protection against negative events that can lead to cynicism about the future. Parents and children can learn together about people who faced enormous challenges and turned those events into a cause for change or improvement.  

The development of a positive child identity is an ongoing process in which parents and other adults play a key role. They help children learn and embrace their unique qualities and their place in their family, community and world. The developing identity will take different forms as children and teens experience the world, but with encouragement, all children can shine. 

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You can assess your child’s emotional development by looking at how well your child understands their own emotions and the emotions of others, and how well they handle their own emotions and those of others. Awareness of self and others, and the ability to control our own emotions and handle the emotions of others, translate into the important emotional skills of empathy, self-regulation and impulse control.    

Here are 4 tips to help boost your child’s emotional development:  

1. Be responsive to their needs. Infants and very young children are constantly observing what is going on around them, including noticing the emotions of their parents and other caregivers. At this stage, children develop trust that adults will respond to their needs. Your being responsive to your infant’s needs teaches them that the world is reliable and consistent, that they can trust you. They learn emotions by watching your face, listening to your voice and noticing how you react to them. At the same time, you are looking to the infant to tell you, without words, what they are feeling and what they need. With thousands of small interactions, you and your child build a close bond while experiencing together the emotions of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration and joy.  

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

Daniel Goleman, author, Emotional Intelligence

2. Teach children to use their words. With their developing language, toddlers and preschool-age children learn to express their emotions in words. In many situations, they typically want more than they can have. The result: frustration and anger. Parents can help children learn how to cope with that frustration and use their words to express what they want and, bit by bit, control the impulse to “grab and go.” Children at this age also look to their parents to see how they cope and manage their emotions. It may be hard, but remember, children are watching and learning from you all the time. The more you model a healthy approach to emotions, the more a child’s mirror neurons will take over and they will mimic you. 

3. Teach children to name their emotions. School-age children show greater capacity to manage their emotions in different settings. Some children hold it together all day at school, only to fall apart emotionally at home. At this stage, children are learning to face hardships, be persistent and self-regulate their strong emotions, especially when they think they have been treated unfairly. Their increased brain development leads them to want new experiences, but they also need the impulse control to wait their turn, ask permission or just accept the answer “no” when they can’t have something they want.

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Parents can help children at this age by encouraging them to name their emotions, talk about what is bothering them and use their new cognitive skills to come up with alternative solutions. Again, children are watching their parents to see how we respond when big emotions are present, so use these incidents to model the kind of self-control you desire of yourself.   

4. Be an emotional coach. Developing self-awareness and empathy for others will help your children start, build and maintain friendships with peers that are healthy, positive and respectful. Friends will, of course, have conflicts and disagreements, but children who are aware of their own emotions and who can think about how others are feeling will quickly gain the respect of their peers. Often, children need emotional coaching from adults in real-life settings to manage their emotions and consider the feelings of others. When friends, siblings or classmates disagree or have conflicts, adults have the chance to coach these children through these situations, build negotiation skills and come up with positive solutions. The result is stronger friendships that can withstand hard times.  

Helping children grow through the stages of emotional development, including noticing, expressing and managing emotions, is both challenging and rewarding. With targeted efforts, your child will show the necessary self-awareness and empathy to be successful in many settings.  

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Every parent wants their children to be resilient to have a good outcome in the face of adversity.  We now know that children can be taught skills that build their capacity to overcome hardships, develop resilience and become productive adults. We also know that these skills are built over time, can be taught at any age and are based on positive interactions with caring adults and specific skill-building activities.  

7 Ways Parents Can Help Develop Resilience in Children 

1. Be supportive. Children can develop resilience in the face of adversity when they have strong, consistent and supportive relationships with adults. When your child is facing a hard situation, be sure that at least one adult is available to help them cope, talk through the issue and provide support.  

2. Help build social skills. In addition, children need good social skills to reach out to peers, maintain friendships and ask for help. Show children how they can rely on trusted friends when they face hard times. Teach the skills of making initial contact with peers and maintaining a friendship through mutual respect, shared experiences and asking for help.   

Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.

Nelson Mandela

3, Help teach self-control. Another part of resilience is learning to control our behavior and actions. When children are calm, talk about how they can choose new responses to tough situations, monitor their feelings and behavior, and take a break or find control when they are upset.  

4. Focus on real-life situations. Resilience skills are best taught in real-life situations. This happens when adults teach their children the skills of self-management and connecting with others, and model their own core values that promote a healthy response to a difficult situation. Use opportunities at home, at school and in recreational settings to teach children how to connect with others and live their values of honesty, respect and kindness.   

5. Make a volunteer plan. Children become resilient when they can contribute to the world — when they make things better not just for themselves, but for others. Volunteer service helps children develop the confidence that they can cope with and even improve a tough situation. Volunteering with your children in a service project builds a close parent-child bond that reinforces resiliency.  

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6. Focus on wellness. When children are stressed, they make poor decisions and have setbacks. Resilient children learn techniques over time to reduce their stress and regain a balanced outlook on the world. Teach your children deep-breathing techniques, mindfulness and how exercise, rest and good nutrition all play a part in reducing stress. 

7. Use adverse events as an opportunity. Adverse events in our families and in our community present unique opportunities to teach children to reach out to others, manage their stress and plan their response. If we are successful, then our children grow to feel more competent and confident in the face of adversity. They are more prepared to face the next challenge that comes along and to grow into adulthood with these important life skills.  

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To be sure, there is no right way to handle information, and no one person handles new information in one way all the time. It is helpful to know how our children usually take in and process new information so that they can be successful at home, in the community and in school. This can be especially important for our children who have been adopted.  

External Processors 

Children who are generally external processors of information are energized by talking and being with others. They often will say the first thing that comes to their mind. In addition, by talking with others, they can even modify or change their ideas. This learning style can be helpful in new situations because your child lets you or others know what they are thinking. If your child has a friend who is an internal processor, they may need to learn to be more patient, wait their turn in conversations and allow the other person to express themselves.   

Internal Processors 

For children who are internal processors, their thoughtful responses to new situations or ideas often take more time to be expressed. Adults in their world need to recognize that they need more time to consider new ideas and respond. They benefit from a longer wait time between being asked a question and offering a reply. These children get energy from within and as they grow older, they may like to write their thoughts in a journal. They often may need to feel safer in an environment in order to share their feelings and thoughts.   

Some people just need to read and think, to spend time alone sorting through the stories in their heads.

Ronald T. Potter-Efron

Because our world has a broad mix of people who process information differently, children and adults need to be aware of their own learning styles and the ways in which others consider new ideas or situations. As a parent, your own style of considering new information may be different from your child’s method. If you are frustrated and can’t get your child to talk to you about a new situation, consider that they may be processing that information in a different way. To find out their ideas, you may need to give them more time and create a safe environment for them to share their ideas, feelings or opinions.   

As you get to know your child’s general way of absorbing and considering new information or experiences, it is helpful to share this information with other adults in their lives, such as teachers, coaches and close family friends. Within a family, siblings can show differences in this area, so you as a parent may be able to reduce sibling conflicts by educating your children about their unique learning styles.   

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Children who either “talk to think” or “think to talk” may need adult help to either listen and consider new ideas or to express themselves more clearly. Some children who process information internally are seen as shy or withdrawn, where actually it’s just a different style of taking in new information. Talkative children may be seen as too dominating in their class or with peers, but it may just be their style of seeking input from others or a sign of their ease at articulating their thoughts and feelings.   

We live, go to school and work in a world that requires good communication and teamwork. Knowing how your children process information, helping them identify their own style and letting others know about this strength can reduce conflicts and increase healthy communication. 

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Each school year brings both challenges related to academics and your child’s social and emotional growth. Children who have been adopted may face additional educational and social challenges. Now add in the global COVID-19 pandemic and its impact on children, teachers, parents and school! Our jobs as parents have become even more complex, but there are strategies you can use to set your child up for learning and success. 

Creating School Success

Here are 7 specific ways that you can help your child be successful in any complex school setting.

1. Share information. Provide background information on your child to their teachers every school year. Include their strengths, areas of difficulty and any past hardships. Don’t assume the teacher knows this information. Sharing this information allows teachers to craft a response to your student that is sensitive and more effective in helping them learn.  

2. Contact the school counselor. If your child has had traumatic experiences or recent disruptions such as a divorce, family move, adoption-related stress or serious illness in the family, contact their school counselor and let them know. School counselors can provide more student support, which may include individual visits with the student in school and support groups with students who have experienced similar difficulties.

3. Help children resolve conflicts. All students have conflicts or misunderstandings with peers. Resolving these difficulties helps students learn new skills. Coach your child on how they can resolve the conflict with another student. If problems with another student persist for many days or weeks, or if there is an imbalance of power in the relationship, take a more active role in assessing what is going on and helping your child resolve the situation. Let children know that it is appropriate to tell adults about ongoing problems that don’t seem fair or are interfering with daily school life. Help your child find a safe way to report the problem.  

4. Help your child be an ally to other students. Teach them how to stand up to bullying and befriend a student who is being criticized by others. Encourage them to reach out to students who seem lonely or isolated. When your child learns to become an ally, they build their ability to help others and make their school safer for all students.

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5. Help create a positive experience at school. In order to learn and build necessary skills, students should generally feel happy about school. Consistently unhappy students don’t learn and fall behind in their studies. If your child frequently complains about school and is generally unhappy, try to find the root cause of the problem. Sometimes the school can make changes to accommodate them. Remember that schools are there to serve students’ needs. Sometimes their rules and practices need to change to further accommodate individual students. If the teacher can’t make these changes, go “up the line” to the principal to share your concerns. Administrators have a responsibility to make sure that school rules and practices effectively serve all students.  

6. Advocate for your child. Often children’s skill levels don’t match up with their grade level — they either are behind others or have already mastered that grade-level expectation. Schools are expected to “differentiate” learning for all students to accommodate different learning styles. If your child is struggling because their skill level does not match their grade level, it is appropriate for you to advocate for them. The resulting changes will not only help your student but also others who are struggling.  

7. Get additional support. When a student’s work or performance does not match their grade level, schools have different options and levels of support. Learn about the differences between supplemental instruction, 504 accommodation plans for students with disabilities, individual education plans for students with a documented learning concern, and advanced learning options for students who learn new material quickly. Each of these student support systems have different ways of qualifying students for additional services and are guided by unique laws protecting students’ rights.  

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Extreme behaviors, such as long tantrums, hurting others, destroying property or chronic defiance of adults, are not only hard for the misbehaving child and their parents, they are also disruptive to the family as a whole. Other siblings notice and sometimes model the witnessed misbehavior to get attention. The other parent sometimes feels helpless because neither parent has been able to find a solution to the problem. Fortunately, with reflection and changes on the part of the adults at home, it’s possible to help children with challenging behaviors make positive changes.     

5 Ways to Work Through Difficult Behaviors

1. Look at a child’s biology.

When children misbehave in an extreme manner, take a close look at any biological factors that may be contributing, such as lack of sleep, poor nutrition, lack of physical activity, an undiagnosed medical condition or undiagnosed childhood psychological issue such as depression, which often presents as irritability. A problem in any of these areas will decrease a child’s ability to think clearly and control their emotions when they are frustrated or angry. 

Once you identify a possible biological cause for misbehavior, take steps to address it directly and chart your progress. Let your child know that you think their body may need help so that they can cope better and, if possible, include them in the plans for better sleep, nutrition or more physical exercise. If you suspect that your child’s behavior has a physical or biological cause, make a specific appointment about behavior concerns with your pediatrician. Ask for extra time with the doctor so you can explore the issue in depth.  

2. Change the physical environment.

Sometimes the environment where children learn, play or live plays a role in their misbehavior. Children with too many toys and games have trouble cleaning up their messy room. Children who destroy property during a tantrum have access to too many things to break. Children without a quiet space to calm down and get “re-regulated” need to find a new quiet space. Where children sleep may be causing problems with siblings, or may inhibit their ability to get enough rest. Look at the child’s environment and try making changes. Another advantage of making a change to the environment is that it is a concrete symbol to your child that their behavior is being taken seriously and requires effort from everyone to figure out the issue at hand. 

3. Increase children’s coping skills.

All children experience situations that are frustrating and challenging, but children with fewer emotional coping skills act out their frustration in extreme ways. To lessen challenging behaviors, children need lots of practice when they are calm to learn the specific skills they will need to use when they are very upset.

Children need us the most when they are at their worst.

Karin Watson, parent educator

At calm times, teach children skills to identify when they are becoming angry as well as techniques to reduce anger, such as deep breathing, physical exercise or thinking more positive thoughts. Self-awareness is a key coping skill. Help your child learn to notice what their body is doing when they begin to get angry. Let children know it is OK to walk away from a tense situation. Teach children to calmly say out loud what they are feeling and what they need. All these skills need to be practiced when children are calm and receptive so that they draw on these important coping skills when tensions rise or they feel upset.   

4. Increase rewards for positive behavior.

If we want to see new positive behaviors, they need to be reinforced when they occur. We suggest starting small, noticing when your child does simple everyday tasks on time and without complaining. You can reinforce this behavior just by noticing and telling them you appreciate what they just did.

Be specific with your feedback — “Thanks for getting ready for school so quickly today. You’ll have time to play with your friends on the playground before school starts.” Make a wall chart of typical daily activities in your house that need your child’s cooperation. When they do these things on time and without complaining, put a star by that item. With your child, set a goal for how many stars they want to earn and set an appropriate reward. Rewarding even the smallest positive behavior changes the tone at home and allows everyone to have hope that the bigger problems can be solved too. 

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5. Increase consequences for chronic negative behavior. 

Sometimes parents inadvertently reinforce negative behavior. After a long tantrum is over, parents are often relieved and then immediately proceed to a planned fun activity and forget about what just happened. Some children need to see a dramatic negative consequence to become more motivated to ultimately change their behavior and engage in increasing their own coping skills. If you are at an event and your child shows chronic misbehavior, be brave and just leave the event with your child. Your action will let the child know that their behavior is serious and needs to change. 

As the parent, it’s your judgment as to when a situation is not working and that larger consequences are called for.

Children who spend their time-outs in a room with lots of toys and games will be surprised to see all those toys put away consequently for misbehavior or destroying property. Children who damage things should pay for replacements and write detailed apology notes to those impacted by their behavior. When children have said mean things to others or have engaged in behavior that has hurt others, they need help to make a deep apology and to find other ways to repair the relationships they have damaged. You can warn children in advance that if their behavior is poor, there will be consequences, but make this warning once without repetition. 

As the parent, it’s your judgment as to when a situation is not working and that larger consequences are called for. The actions you take in response to very inappropriate behaviors will let the child know you are serious about wanting the behavior to change and will give the message to other siblings that your goal is positive respectful behavior for all.   

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Repeated exposure to traumatic events can cause delays in child development. It can increase the likelihood of heightened emotions and strong reactions in settings that trigger the original trauma. When faced with a “trauma trigger,” some people “dissociate,” i.e., they tune out or become numb to the situation to avoid painful feelings. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), are now known to cause serious health and development problems later in life.   

Slowly but surely, you will learn to behave as you would have wished to behave but were too wounded to know how. 

Marianne Williamson

The good news is that parents, teachers, counselors, mentors and family members can help children overcome trauma and manage the strong emotional reactions that are part of the normal trauma response. There are well-known, evidence-based treatments and interventions for trauma.

There are also many medical, educational, counseling and social service organizations that train their staff in trauma-informed care. Agencies with expertise in trauma-informed care teach their providers to recognize past traumas in their clients. They also teach their clients to identify trauma triggers and manage strong emotions. They work to meet the unique needs of people who have experienced trauma.

Some treatments are designed to help people in the days or weeks following a traumatic event. Others were developed to help adults overcome past traumas from childhood. The aim of all trauma care is to help the victim heal and move forward in life holistically.

Here is what holistic trauma-informed care might look like:   

• Providers carefully ask clients about their past traumas. They can then provide the appropriate intervention based on their experiences and current symptoms.  

• Providers address barriers to services to make sure clients can access the help they need. Barriers might include transportation, scheduling of appointments, the need for interpreters and overcoming financial roadblocks to treatment.  

• Effective programs teach the trauma survivor how to recognize trauma or loss “markers” and the skills to cope with these reminders or triggers.  

• Providers teach their clients about the different kinds of traumas and help normalize post-traumatic stress reactions and grief reactions.  

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• Clients learn skills in regulating their emotions including breathing, relaxation, meditation, exercise, journaling, sharing their story, changing their thinking and behavior about the traumatic event (often called cognitive behavior therapy). 

• Children who have experienced traumatic events are taught how to establish helpful routines at home, school and work. These routines help reduce stress and add support from their environment. 

• Parents who experienced trauma are taught effective parenting and behavior management skills. With these skills, they can be positive with their children and avoid repeating harmful mistakes from their own upbringing.  

• Therapists help children construct a “trauma narrative,” which validates their past experiences and helps reduce post-traumatic stress reactions.  

• Parents, teachers and counselors help children learn and practice assertiveness skills so that they can set appropriate boundaries in all of their personal relationships.  

• Caregivers are trained in Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® to meet the needs of the vulnerable children in their lives.

If you or your child has experienced trauma, seek help. It is possible for you or your child to overcome trauma and live a life that is healthy, productive and secure. Getting help for past trauma helps break a cycle of trauma in families and creates a brighter future for children. With skilled professional help and support, children can learn that past traumas do not define them or their future.   

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What is often most frustrating and stressful for parents are challenging behaviors that are repeated over time and are disruptive to family life, hurtful to others or destructive to property. The next step to address these serious concerns is to work on the parent’s part — reframing the children’s behavior to gain a new perspective and then trying out different techniques based on a new mindset. Sometimes adults get stuck in a judgmental mindset and label children as just lazy, willful or defiant. With the reframing technique, the parent steps back and tries to adopt a new and more positive mindset that is more curious. Parents challenge themselves to reframe behavior and see if their current view of the child’s behavior can change.   

Reframing Behaviors 

The parent with the curious mindset asks these kinds of questions to help reframe behavior:  

• Does the child have too many stressors?   
• Do they lack the necessary personal and social skills to control their behavior?  
• What needs are they trying to meet with their behavior?   

See a child differently, you see a different child.

Dr. Stuart Shanker

If parents can change the thought process from “He’s willful” to “What’s getting in their way?” and “How can I help?” the responses to children can then make a big difference. Reframing also involves trying to change negative thoughts and language into a dialogue that is more positive and supportive. For a student that does not perform, will not do homework and shows little effort, reframing means changing the story from “She is lazy” to “This student needs more motivation” or “This student needs help from an adult to get started on their work.”  

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Reframe Behavior to Gain New Perspectives 

With a new perspective, the parent’s goal is to find and remove barriers and support the child as they make progress in learning behaviors that are kind, patient and respectful. Reframing is adopting an investigative approach to your child’s behavior that will help you see your child differently. Reframing allows the parent to find what barriers stand in the way of successful self-behavior management and then identify ways to remove these behaviors. Reframing behavior is tough work for parents and usually a departure from how they were raised.   

3 things you can do to reframe behavior and make improvements:   

1. Investigate. Look for what is stressing your child and reduce those stressors to enable better behavior. If they are tired, hungry, bored or frustrated, try to address those stressors to enable improved behavior.  

2. Meet their needs. Look for needs the child is trying to meet with their behavior and see if you can meet some or all of them, thereby minimizing the challenging behavior. Ask yourself if the child has physical needs that are unmet, is seeking attention from adults or wanting new activities that are more stimulating and fun.   

3. Teach skills. Look for deficits in children’s personal skills, and actively teach them the needed skills. Children can learn to wait for longer periods by using a kitchen timer. A timer teaches them to wait for just a few minutes, and then gradually increases their ability to wait for what they need in a way that’s age-appropriate. Teach children new skills in a calm setting with specific guidance. Show the child what the expected behavior looks and sounds like. Allow the child to practice the new behavior in different settings.   

Reframing provides parents with a new “frame” to look at our children’s behavior. It can turn a frustrating, chronic and negative situation into a time for positive growth and development.  

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All parents encounter challenges as their children grow up. And sometimes, issues may arise that leave you uncertain as to how best to respond. But not every issue requires therapy or counseling. The Holt Family & Adoptee Support program is here to help during those times.

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