Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI^®) is a popular parenting approach for youth of all risk levels, especially those who have been adopted. TBRI^® is an evidence-based model designed for parents and caregivers and proven to help children heal from past traumas.

The key to healing is through connected relationships. Many families, schools, orphanages and treatment centers use this approach. The TBRI^® principles were developed by Dr. Karyn B. Purvis and Dr. David R. Cross of Texas Christian University and are found in the book “The Connected Child,” which Holt International began encouraging adoptive parents to read almost a decade ago. These principles also apply broadly to many relationships.  

TBRI^® is based on these three basic parenting principles: empower, connect and correct.  

1. The principle of empowering centers on addressing the child’s physical needs. If your child has hunger, thirst or other imbalances in their body, these will all affect their behavior and response to you.  

2. The second principle, connecting, focuses on understanding and meeting attachment needs. Your child needs to know that you really see them and not just their behavior.  

3. Lastly, correcting principles are techniques used to disarm fear-based behaviors.  

Redefining Discipline

Far too often, parents think when raising a child that discipline needs to include an element of pain to be effective. But the root word of discipline is to “disciple,” or teach or correct. It is not to punish or cause pain. Kids do not need punishment, especially if they have any trauma in their history. They need connection, especially in the hardest of moments or meltdowns. The goal is to teach and reach them within the context of connected relationships, so they can heal and grow to their potential, not cause them further pain or trauma. We never want kids to walk away from parental interactions with shame, embarrassment or fear. Our goal in parenting is to provide an optimal environment where children can grow in the present and look forward to healthy future relationships.  

When you connect to the heart of a child, everything is possible.

Dr. Karyn Purvis

For children, behavior is communication. It is helpful to look at behaviors as the tip of the iceberg — what we see versus what the child is actually experiencing. Beneath the iceberg is a whole host of possible issues: stress, anxiety, fear, hunger, sleep, attention, emotions, need for connection, sensory need, sadness, environmental stressors, medical issues, etc. Therefore, it’s our job as parents to be the detective and figure out what the need is behind the behavior and use positive techniques to address unwanted behaviors. 

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TBRI^® strategies include: 

• Maintaining eye contact 
• Allowing for do-overs
• Being aware of voice tone 
• Offering choices and compromises 
• Minimizing words or lectures by using word scripts   
• Being nurturing and using playful interactions  

Remember that TBRI^® principles are not for admonishing negative behaviors. They help caregivers recognize and encourage positive behaviors. You can train or retrain your child’s brain for connection using the TBRI^® strategies.

Goals of TBRI®:

• Create an environment where children feel physically, socially and psychologically safe 
• Understand and meet children’s physiological needs  
• Structure interactions to enhance emotional and behavioral self-regulation 
• Help caregivers interact with children mindfully 
• Build and strengthen secure attachments and resilience between caregivers and children 
• Help caregivers master the use of proactive strategies for behavioral change  

For more information on TBRI®, please visit the TCU site.

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All teens face challenges during their adolescence of figuring out who they are and who they want to become. They must cope with many physical, emotional and social changes and learn how to respond to expectations from their family, peers, school and our society.  

Adopted teens have an additional task: how to understand and incorporate their unique birth history, and their adoption, into their emerging adult self. 

Author and adoptive parent expert Gregory C. Keck described this identity formation process as “creating one self from many pieces.” Parents can play a helpful role in this process by providing the teen with their complete adoption history and being open to discussions about the complex circumstances of their adoption, including both the known facts and unknown history and background of their birth parents. In addition, parents should be sure that they are comfortable discussing the deeper and more complex aspects of their child’s adoption history and communicate that they are secure in recognizing the teen’s need to explore their birth family roots.

Teens may assume that they should stay away from talking about their mixed emotions and loyalties related to their adoption. They don’t want to hurt their parents’ feelings. To counter this, parents should let their adopted child know, in a clear and direct manner, that they can handle these discussions and are not worried about where they might lead.

Sharing Birth History and Confronting Hard Truths

As adopted adolescents work on their identity, they often encounter emotional challenges that they did not face during their younger childhood years. Teens’ increased brain capacity and cognitive abilities lead them to re-think, re-question and reflect on their adoption in new ways. They will reflect on the reasons behind their adoption, wonder about missing or difficult information, have increased feelings of being different from parents and other siblings, worry about their actual security and belonging with their adoptive family, and experience new feelings of loyalty and curiosity about their birth parents and birth siblings. 

Author Debbie Riley encourages parents to really work on their own ability to accept the depth of these feelings in their teens and provide support for teens who want to explore their own history.  Parents who feel that they “did the work about all this” when their children were younger must recognize that their growing teen is smarter, more curious and a deeper thinker. 

To help adopted teens with their identity quest, adoption experts recommend that parents make a copy of the materials they received about their child at the time of adoption. Once their child has reached their teen years, parents should give this information to their teen to keep, read and explore. Parents will likely need to give guidance on how their teen should handle this sensitive information and also set boundaries about any information that may be private.  Sharing this information with young teens around the age of 12 or 13 gives them several years to come to terms with the fact that adoption is filled with both love and loss.

Teens need support in understanding the difficult circumstances their birth parents faced — whether they decided to relinquish their child voluntarily or if their child was taken into custody because of a history of abuse or neglect. Parents and their adopted teens should discuss how to share this information with other siblings in the family, and how this sensitive information should never be used to hurt someone. Siblings in the family may need direct guidance on what it means to learn sensitive information about their brother and sister as well as their responsibility to respect the privacy of their adopted sibling. 

Meeting Your Adopted Teen at Their Maturity Level

Adopted children who faced complex traumatic experiences in their childhood may be less emotionally mature than their peers or siblings who did not face these hardships. Parents need to recognize that a teen’s chronological age may not match their level of emotional or social maturity. To address this gap, parents can identify the social skills teens need, such as making and keeping friends, dealing with strong emotions, making healthy choices with peers, being assertive in new situations, balancing home, school and work responsibilities, and planning for their future. 

Author Richard Settersten notes that for some teens, a slower path to adulthood may be a good thing because it allows them to be successful in their later teen years and build up the skills they will need as more independent adults. During this period, older teens will need their parents as guides and supporters and will also benefit from other adult mentors who often can reach a teen that is unwilling to take guidance from their parents. Involved and supportive parents can help young adults as they make decisions, build credentials, save money, and avoid costly mistakes that will set them back on their path to adulthood. 

Maintain perspective, keep your wits about you, find comfort in humor, hold on to your faith and never underestimate the power of love.

Gregory C. Keck, author and adoptive parent expert

Finally, as adopted teens seek and achieve more independence, they may be ambivalent about what it means to “leave home.” Children who had multiple home and family disruptions in their early life may be triggered when they achieve milestones like high school graduation. They may notice their peers being excited to move on to college, work or the military and feel left out or embarrassed because they have very mixed feelings about what it will mean to “leave” their adoptive family. These feelings may be very difficult to communicate and may surface in ways that are confusing to both the teen and the parents. This pattern has been noted in children adopted as infants as well as children adopted at an older age.  

Parents can be helpful in acknowledging these feelings while allowing their adopted teen to choose a unique path that is supportive but also challenges them to grow. Support groups for teens and parents, as well as skilled adoption-competent counseling services, may help teens and parents navigate this late adolescence terrain. During this phase, parents will likely need to learn new ways to communicate, negotiate and understand their teen’s behavior, words, feelings and decisions. 

Gregory Keck ended his book on parenting adopted teens with some sound advice: “Maintain perspective, keep your wits about you, find comfort in humor, hold on to your faith and never underestimate the power of love.”

Holt provides support to all adoptive families!

We are here to serve, connect and support all adoptive families! We offer post-adoption coaching and education, summer camps and more.

post adoption services

References:

Keck, Gregory C., Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding and Appreciating Their Journeys  

Naftzger, Katie, Parenting in the Eye of the Storm: The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Navigating the Teen Years

Riley, Debbie, Beneath the Mask, Understanding Adopted Teens

Settersten, Richard and Ray, Barbara E., Not Quite Adults: Why 20-Somethings are Choosing a Slower Path to Adulthood, and Why It’s Good for Everyone

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It is important to remember that, new or seasoned, biological or adoptive, single or co-parent, you as a parent have people and resources you can rely on. Parents deserve to feel supported as they raise and support their children. Parent support includes empowering parents through reminders of their own greatness but also includes encouraging parents to reach out and find external support when needed. Whatever parent support looks like for you, it is important that it is prioritized and honored.

3 important reminders for you, as a parent, today: 

1. You are not alone. Sometimes, parenting can feel isolating. You work hard to keep your kids happy and healthy, and it’s not always easy. It is important to recognize there are many other parents out there who feel or have felt the same way. Sharing your experiences and feelings with others is a great way to break free of some of those feelings. When you begin to share, it opens the door for others to share as well and relate to your experiences. You can do this through conversation with family or friends or support groups online or in person. Building relationships with others who understand your position is a great way to grow your support system. 

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2. There is no one way to parent. In today’s world, we have access to read about, listen to and watch the everyday happenings of other peoples’ lives through social media. This new norm can help us connect with family and friends across the world and has brought many people together. On the flip side, we become a fly on the wall in dozens of other families’ homes which can lead to comparison and questioning. First, it is important to remember that social media is just a highlight reel. What you see might not always be what is actually happening. Second, there is no ONE right way to parent. Although someone else’s parenting choices might work for them, it does not mean that your choices should be the same. Trust yourself and recognize that you are doing a great job.  

3. Give yourself grace. Every person deserves to care for their well-being and being a parent doesn’t change that. It is important to realize self-care doesn’t have to take up time or require finding a babysitter and planning ahead. Self-care can mean acknowledging your own feelings and allowing yourself to express them. It can mean using the voice in your head to praise small wins instead of reprimanding silly mistakes. It can even mean letting go of a small responsibility or two for once. Giving yourself grace allows you to be the best version of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be. Above all, when you prioritize your well-being, the whole family wins.  

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Philosophies on parenting are as different and as numerous as there are parents on planet Earth. Day in and day out, society bombards us with picturesque or “aspirational” versions of what it means to be a “good” parent.

One only needs to look as far as social media regularly filling people’s feeds with unrealistic versions of happy families, all dressed in color-coordinated outfits while walking, holding hands and laughing. We all know this could not be further from the reality most parents face. Most people who don’t actively think about how they want to parent will fall into patterns of how they were parented, for better or worse. Looking at your parenting style and how you communicate and interact with your child is important because it influences the child’s brain development. Positive parenting is a gentle approach that fosters and focuses on healthy relationships between parents and children.   

No parent is always conscious, gentle, positive, peaceful and authentic. We have to choose to be and practice moment by moment … day after day. The more we practice, the stronger we grow.

Leila Schott

Here are 8 key strategies and skills that can help you practice positive parenting:

1. Be an intentional parent. Learn to be with your child in a way that lets them know that they are important. Be present in the moment with them. Have a plan and prioritize where you put your energy and time. 

2. Think about the outcome. What kind of qualities do you want to instill in your child? Do you want to raise kind, empathetic, courageous, resilient, respectful children? Whatever qualities are important to you, begin to think of ways that you can encourage these traits in your child. Always lead by example in these areas. 

3. Use child-directed play. Spending just 10 to 15 minutes a day connecting with your child through play led by them has been shown to strengthen the parent-child bond and increase a sense of confidence in the child. This time should be noncompetitive, and parents are encouraged to be free with praise and encourage positive behaviors. Additionally, mirroring the activity the child is doing shows them that you believe what they do is important.  

4. Look at the root of the behaviors. Behavior is a way a child communicates. Before they have high-level thinking of connecting thoughts and actions, a child will act on impulse. Think of it as if the behavior is the tip of the iceberg and beneath the water are possible reasons for the “why” behind the behavior. Perhaps it is hunger, thirst, attachment, emotions, sensory needs, environmental stressors, need for attention or connection, social skills and power to name a few possibilities. You are the detective and must search out the reasoning behind the behavior.  

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5. Know your child’s developmental stages, and be realistic. Sometimes parents have high expectations of their child that is beyond their mental, emotional and/or physical capabilities. Being familiar with the norms of your child’s developmental stage will help you to not place undue expectations or burdens on your children.   

6. Maintain healthy boundaries. Children need their parents to be the parent. Being kind to your child is not the same as giving in to them. Being positive is not the same as being permissive. You can firmly give directions and set expectations without being mean. When you set limits and enforce consequences, it sets the framework for their future decisions. Using a calm, firm tone when giving directions is most efficient.  

7. Regulate your own emotions. When a child is having a meltdown, remaining calm during their chaotic moments will serve you both better in the long run. Your child will see you model appropriate responses. Do be mindful of your own triggers and have a response strategy in mind.  

8. Know that ruptures happen in all relationships. If you have lost your cool and perhaps have yelled at your child, apologies go a long way. Take time for connection afterward. The rupture and repair of relationships are critical opportunities to strengthen them. It shows your child that relationships can withstand things that are difficult and that relationships can survive emotional outbursts.  

Parenting is the most difficult job and people don’t even get paid for it. If you need support practicing positive parenting, don’t be afraid to reach out. Seek out advice or connection with other parents and learn from them. Find a counselor or therapist who can support you, including those who specialize in adoption. Talk to friends who are in the same life stage as you are. It’s helpful to know that you are not alone. Taking care of yourself is crucial so that you can always show up as your best self with your child.  

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As parents, we want our children to feel good about themselves and to know their abilities, strengths, and ultimately, their place in the world. We call the feelings about yourself “self-esteem” and the knowledge about yourself “identity.”

Throughout childhood and adolescence, children develop an awareness of themselves and others — their likes and dislikes and a sense of their capabilities. When children develop a strong sense of themselves, they are more likely to be successful in school and in their friendships. This positive sense of self is built through supportive relationships with family members, other adults and children and members of their community. Children develop a positive identity through open conversations, being valued by peers, experiencing supportive relationships and settings, and seeing other people with similar traits and identities be appreciated and valued.   

I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.

Lewis Carroll

To help children achieve this positive identity, parents can focus on four areas of development: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose and a positive view of one’s personal future. 

1. Personal Power  

Personal power comes from experiences where you try something challenging and are successful. Children can then look back and reflect on the challenge and how they met it. We encourage parents to help children challenge themselves to achieve something through their own hard work, whether that’s learning to play a musical instrument or learning about a new subject in school. When children find a particular interest, encourage them to pursue that interest in depth so that they can learn that diving into one area results in both new knowledge and great a sense of accomplishment.

A sense of personal power, or self-efficacy, also comes from learning to be assertive in communicating your needs to others. Being assertive means being confident and saying “yes” to opportunities that are both healthy and challenging, and saying “no” to situations that are unhealthy or lack respect or kindness.  

2. Self-esteem  

Self-esteem refers to the feelings we have about ourselves. People with high self-esteem can cope with challenging situations. Adults, including parents, teachers, family members and mentors play a key role in helping children develop positive self-esteem by seeing the child for who they are and supporting their unique views, opinions, talents and accomplishments.  

Through open dialogue, adults can let children know that their opinions are valued, even if those opinions are different from those of other family members or friends. Setbacks or failures at one activity can turn into growth opportunities where children reflect on what happened, change their course of action and even redo the challenge in a new way. Some children benefit from verbal affirmations that remind them of their skills and abilities. Others benefit from being able to pursue their interests and goals and earn recognition and praise from adults for their specific accomplishments and efforts.    

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3. Sense of Purpose 

People with a strong personal identity also have a sense of purpose. They find meaning in their lives and know they can make a unique contribution to the world around them. Children begin to understand that their actions affect others at an early age. When children are kind to others on the playground at school, they learn to see that their actions not only help that individual child but also help create a school climate that is safe and secure. Also, when children learn about injustices in the world such as racism or discrimination, or world problems such as childhood poverty or climate change, encourage them to take a stand with others to counter those problems. Finally, when children engage with their families in community service activities, they build empathy toward others and a sense of their ability to impact the world.  

People with a strong personal identity also have a sense of purpose. They find meaning in their lives and know they can make a unique contribution to the world around them.

Parents, teachers, mentors and faith leaders can engage children in the big questions about the meaning of a “purposeful life” and how each person can make their family, community or world a better place. Eventually, this sense of purpose can lead to choosing a profession or career that reflects that sense of purpose.    

4. Positive View of Personal Future 

Developing a positive view of one’s personal future takes place by children learning from adults and other role models who show that a hopeful future is possible, even in the face of adversity. Encourage children to “dream big” and delve deeply into their unique personal interests. Expose children to career paths or professions that are linked to these dreams or aspirations. They can help children outline a realistic path to see how they can reach that goal with schooling and finances. For example, children and teens interested in justice issues can learn about what the U.S. attorneys at the U.S. Department of Justice do to fight crime and injustices.  

As children grow into their adolescence, their ability to think more abstractly about the future increases. This makes the preteen and teen years a good time to encourage in-depth exploration of their interests with a focus on future goals, even if those goals might change by the time they are adults. A focus on a positive future also provides protection against negative events that can lead to cynicism about the future. Parents and children can learn together about people who faced enormous challenges and turned those events into a cause for change or improvement.  

The development of a positive child identity is an ongoing process in which parents and other adults play a key role. They help children learn and embrace their unique qualities and their place in their family, community and world. The developing identity will take different forms as children and teens experience the world, but with encouragement, all children can shine. 

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For example, a baby may use fussing and wiggling of his body to indicate his growing hunger or discomfort due to a wet diaper. A toddler might refuse a new food by tossing it on the floor as a way to express her discomfort or stress. A young child may use hitting or screaming to convey her frustration during playtime with a peer.  

Whatever the behavior and no matter how big or small, each carries significance for a child. When caregivers have an understanding of the underlying meaning behind behaviors, they are more equipped to provide responsive and nurturing support. Furthermore, when caregivers can attach meaning to behaviors — especially the most challenging — their capacity for holding empathy and patience expands.  

When caregivers have an understanding of the underlying meaning behind behaviors, they are more equipped to provide responsive and nurturing support.

When behaviors arise, it’s normal to want to “fix” them. However, a behavior is a symptom of something deeper going on for a child. This implies that in order to find success, we must pause and take a moment to properly identify the hidden cause. It can be easy to try to eliminate a behavior without fully knowing the cause. Yet, this can undermine efforts toward navigating challenging behaviors, or worse, amplify the behaviors. 

7 Things to Consider When Challenging Child Behaviors Arise 

1. Is my child well-nourished and hydrated? Hunger and thirst are important factors in the behavior we see in children (and even in adults). Remember the meaning of the word “hangry?” If a challenging behavior pops up and a child is hungry or thirsty, there may be a connection and a potential solution.  

2. Is my child feeling all right? How is the child’s health? Are they feeling healthy or sick? Are they well rested or has their sleep been impacted? Is it getting close to a nap, bedtime or a time of day where they typically become more fatigued? A child who is sick or missing out on essential sleep is more likely to display behaviors that might be perceived as challenging. 

3. Is something happening with development? Children have typical bursts and regressions in their development, and these happen frequently over the course of their early lives. During such times, their bodies are working hard, which can take extra energy. This can sometimes lead to shifts in other parts of their lives, such as how they are sleeping or eating — leading to potential emotional outbursts. Additionally, when children learn new skills, such as crawling, walking, reaching and grabbing or making their caregivers laugh, this novelty can lend itself to new behaviors.  

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4. Is something different in their schedule, activities, routines or among their caregivers? Changes within a child’s day, big or small, can have a ripple effect on the behaviors we observe. Has there been a shift in a child’s schedule? Was an activity performed differently? Has something new been added to their schedule, such as a doctor’s appointment or medical procedure, or have they recently started a new activity such as childcare or swimming lessons? Is there a new caregiver in the picture? Even the smallest and most positive of changes can create subtle stress for a child, which can prompt changes in their behavior. This doesn’t mean changes can be avoided, but what it does mean is that the way in which we introduce them is paramount.  

5. Is an experience or activity too easy, too hard or brand new? When something isn’t working well for a child, such as an activity or experience, often they tell us this through behavior. A task that is not directly aligned with their developmental skill level, i.e., one that is too hard, too easy or new, can evoke stress within a child’s body. Similar to when a change occurs in a child’s routines or activities, this mismatch of activity with a child’s skill or knowledge level can negatively impact the child’s behavior. Offering well-matched activities and/or appropriately scaffolded support is essential.  

6. Are their social-emotional needs being met? Regular moments for connection with children are essential to their growth and development. Furthermore, they can assist in reducing the potential for difficult behaviors. Often, unmet social-emotional needs are the catalyst for behaviors we might observe in children. Are they receiving enough thoughtful, undivided attention from important caregivers? Are they getting the types and amounts of physical contact and soothing that resonate best with their bodies? Are they consistently feeling seen and heard by others? Do they feel safe, secure and unconditionally loved? When a child’s social-emotional needs are repeatedly understood and fulfilled by those around them, they are less likely to rely on other behaviors as bids for this fulfillment.  

7. How is the caregiver’s regulation? The way a caregiver is feeling directly impacts the way a child is feeling and behaving. How is the caregiver feeling in this moment? Are they feeling anxious, tired, frustrated or well regulated (i.e., calm and balanced)? Anxiety is the most contagious emotion; however, calmness is also incredibly catchy. When caregivers positively shift their own state to a place of regulation, often the state of their child will follow.  

Feeling Stuck

Sometimes despite a behavior, children just do not know what they truly need at the moment. At times, caregivers are also unable to identify the deeper reason for a child’s behavior. Making peace with this potential reality is important. You might feel stuck but realizing that it’s not a failure of the caregiver is fundamental and powerful. Just because a caregiver cannot always understand the meaning behind a behavior does not mean that it’s impossible to rectify the situation. It only means that more time and greater efforts might be necessary to move forward. Honoring the process and offering grace to each caregiver in these moments is an imperative step in the process.    

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When children are empowered, they feel the courage and confidence to try new things and take on tasks. Empowering your child is providing them with an inner sense that they are powerful and capable. Empowerment and resiliency go hand in hand with a child learning to be successful in life. However, empowerment takes work and intention. Parents should start by being mindful and purposeful about their interactions with their child, and the desired outcomes. Be intentional about skills your child may need to make good decisions, be successful in school and develop strong healthy relationships.  

It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.

Ann Landers

 7 Practical Ways to Support and Empower Your Child

1. Provide for their basic needs. Regular food and hydration every few hours can enhance a child’s ability to stay emotionally regulated. 

2. Provide encouragement. This literally means to put courage into your child! Use your words to build them up. Put them in situations where they can succeed!   

3. Be realistic. Children build confidence and resiliency through failing sometimes. Embrace failure as a learning opportunity and avoid saying things that may make them feel better in the moment, but won’t hold true over time. Instead, try phrases that encourage conversation. For example, “What did you learn from this?”. 

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4. Listen to them. It is easy to get into the habit of speaking at our children, and not really putting extra effort into exploring their thoughts, ideas and feelings. Be present with them, take away distractions and give them your full attention. This will send the message to your child that they are important and have valuable things to say.  

5. Speak positively about them. Words have power. What they hear you say about them will have long-lasting effects. Try not to criticize or label them. If we say that Sam is mean, Ella is shy or Grace isn’t good at spelling, they internalize these traits and come to believe that about themselves. Speak to what they are working on positively. Sam is working on being nice, Ella is working on making better eye contact, Grace is great at math and is working on her spelling. Also, praise the effort and not necessarily the outcome. Approval should not be tied to success.  

6. Provide choices. Sometimes as parents it’s easy to make all of the decisions for a child. Let them make decisions that directly relate to them. Allow them to choose the blue shirt or orange shirt. Give them meal options. When the time comes for you have to make a decision, letting them know the reasoning behind it is powerful for a child. They’re able to understand the logic behind the request. For example, “Because I’m the mom” is not a helpful answer. Relinquishing appropriate control during certain ages and stages promotes healthy growth.   

7. Encourage autonomy. It’s often much faster to do tasks ourselves as parents rather than wait for our child to do them. Tying shoes, making their bed, creating a meal and many other life skills are the beginning stages for a child developing independence. When a child tries something new and takes a risk, be encouraging. If they fail, help them learn from their mistake and try again. These moments develop resiliency and perseverance.    

Above all, by empowering your child through these methods, you support the growth of an independent and resilient child.

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ACEs are potentially traumatic experiences that occur in childhood, such as neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence at home or in the community, experiencing poverty, bullying, separation from family members or having a family member die. The accumulation of ACEs can affect children for years and impact their life opportunities.  

When children experience ACEs or trauma, it can impact their brain development and reduce the size of the cerebral cortex.

When children experience ACEs or trauma, it can impact their brain development and reduce the size of the cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex is responsible for many complex functions, including language, attention, perceptual awareness, thinking, memory and consciousness. Trauma experienced during brain development can impact children’s IQs and ability to regulate their emotions. The age of the child or how the event is explained to them can affect how children experience and internalize trauma. Younger children are particularly vulnerable to the effects of exposure to trauma. The CDC states that, in the U.S., preventing ACEs could reduce the number of health conditions including up to 1.9 million cases of heart disease and 21 million cases of depression. 

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Health Effects of Adverse Child Experiences

• Impacted growth  
• Increased risk of disability  
• Impacted brain development
• Increased risk of injury 
• Decreased attention and decision-making skills 
• Increased risk of teen pregnancy or pregnancy complications 
• Difficulty responding to stressors 
• Increased risk of chronic diseases, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease and stroke  
• Difficulty forming healthy, stable relationships 
• Increased risk of depression 
• Difficulty managing weight, by eating more or less than their needs
• Poor or inadequate sleep 
• Irritability and grumpiness 
• Increased risk of substance abuse

Caring for a Child with Adverse Childhood Experiences

Fortunately, ACEs and trauma can be prevented and cared for. The most important step will be to be present and build strong relationships with your child. Reliable, caring, positive and protective caregivers can help mitigate some of the negative effects associated with ACEs, and help children begin to heal from trauma or address any trauma they have experienced. Children and their caregivers often have resiliency skills and psychological resources that can help protect them from long-term harm and health impacts. 

Consistent caregivers can be a resource for their child as they encourage them to share their experiences and provide reassurance around their safety and security. Listen to what your child is telling you, validate their experience and let them know that you are there to help them. 

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Repeated exposure to traumatic events can cause delays in child development. It can increase the likelihood of heightened emotions and strong reactions in settings that trigger the original trauma. When faced with a “trauma trigger,” some people “dissociate,” i.e., they tune out or become numb to the situation to avoid painful feelings. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), are now known to cause serious health and development problems later in life.   

Slowly but surely, you will learn to behave as you would have wished to behave but were too wounded to know how. 

Marianne Williamson

The good news is that parents, teachers, counselors, mentors and family members can help children overcome trauma and manage the strong emotional reactions that are part of the normal trauma response. There are well-known, evidence-based treatments and interventions for trauma.

There are also many medical, educational, counseling and social service organizations that train their staff in trauma-informed care. Agencies with expertise in trauma-informed care teach their providers to recognize past traumas in their clients. They also teach their clients to identify trauma triggers and manage strong emotions. They work to meet the unique needs of people who have experienced trauma.

Some treatments are designed to help people in the days or weeks following a traumatic event. Others were developed to help adults overcome past traumas from childhood. The aim of all trauma care is to help the victim heal and move forward in life holistically.

Here is what holistic trauma-informed care might look like:   

• Providers carefully ask clients about their past traumas. They can then provide the appropriate intervention based on their experiences and current symptoms.  

• Providers address barriers to services to make sure clients can access the help they need. Barriers might include transportation, scheduling of appointments, the need for interpreters and overcoming financial roadblocks to treatment.  

• Effective programs teach the trauma survivor how to recognize trauma or loss “markers” and the skills to cope with these reminders or triggers.  

• Providers teach their clients about the different kinds of traumas and help normalize post-traumatic stress reactions and grief reactions.  

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• Clients learn skills in regulating their emotions including breathing, relaxation, meditation, exercise, journaling, sharing their story, changing their thinking and behavior about the traumatic event (often called cognitive behavior therapy). 

• Children who have experienced traumatic events are taught how to establish helpful routines at home, school and work. These routines help reduce stress and add support from their environment. 

• Parents who experienced trauma are taught effective parenting and behavior management skills. With these skills, they can be positive with their children and avoid repeating harmful mistakes from their own upbringing.  

• Therapists help children construct a “trauma narrative,” which validates their past experiences and helps reduce post-traumatic stress reactions.  

• Parents, teachers and counselors help children learn and practice assertiveness skills so that they can set appropriate boundaries in all of their personal relationships.  

• Caregivers are trained in Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® to meet the needs of the vulnerable children in their lives.

If you or your child has experienced trauma, seek help. It is possible for you or your child to overcome trauma and live a life that is healthy, productive and secure. Getting help for past trauma helps break a cycle of trauma in families and creates a brighter future for children. With skilled professional help and support, children can learn that past traumas do not define them or their future.   

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Healthy personal boundaries come in many forms including:  

• Emotional boundaries make it clear that we wish to be treated with respect and kindness. 

• Physical boundaries that let the world know that our bodies deserve protection and respect. 

• Material boundaries are decisions made on what things belong to us and what can be shared or even given away. 

• Mental boundaries allow us to have our own thoughts, opinions and ideas, even if they are different from others.  

I encourage people to remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

Gavin de Becker, author and security specialist

Setting healthy boundaries and respecting limits when we interact with others are critical life skills. Our children will benefit greatly when adults take the time to teach and model these social skills. When we coach children through difficult relationships, they learn that saying “no” is just as important as saying “yes.” 

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You can help your child learn to set healthy boundaries by helping them:

• Create appropriate boundaries. Teach your child to assess what boundaries are appropriate in different situations, such as knowing when to share personal information or when to share toys or games with others. 
• Know their rights. Help them become aware of their own rights and how things feel inside when they make good boundary choices or when boundaries are not working. 
• Become assertive. Teach them assertiveness skills, including the ability to say “no” and walk away from situations that don’t feel right. 
• Practice role-playing. Children can learn to make good decisions about setting limits by role-playing with a caring adult. 
• Watch adults model healthy boundaries. Children learn by watching their parents or caregivers set healthy boundaries and hear why they made certain choices.  
• Create boundaries with friends. Coach your children in challenging situations so that they learn to make and keep friends while setting good boundaries.   
• Set “uncomfortable” boundaries. Help your children learn to accept that they sometimes may feel uncomfortable when setting a boundary or limit in a relationship, even though it’s the right thing to do. 
• Learn to accept the word “no.” Teach your child to accept, and respect, the word “no” from others.
• Ask for help. Give children the skills to ask for help or report to a caring adult when they feel disrespected or mistreated.  

The Three Rs

Relationship skills are complex and take time to learn. Expectations of how we set appropriate boundaries change as children age. Like other areas of life, we make mistakes. As part of teaching healthy boundaries, parents can teach children the “three Rs” when they have disrespected someone else’s boundaries:  

1. Repair the relationship by apologizing and showing empathy. 

2. Reflect on what happened by looking back and seeing if other choices were possible. 

3. Redo the action with a higher level of care and kindness.   

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All parents encounter challenges as their children grow up. And sometimes, issues may arise that leave you uncertain as to how best to respond. But not every issue requires therapy or counseling. The Holt Family & Adoptee Support program is here to help during those times.

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